Little brother Brian called me yesterday to chat. I have to say that Brian is awesome about calling me. He calls me every single week! He is so diligent! Dave, Chris- quit slacking, Brian is putting you to SHAME. Anyway, one of our very frequent topics of conversation is his newest hobby of questioning his education and plans for his entire life. He is so incredibly brilliant he could literally do anything, he just doesn't know quite what that is yet. He got so desperate for direction that a few weeks ago he paid for a career aptitude test at BYU to finally tell him what occupation he should pursue. I was SO hoping that "Park Ranger" would top the list, but alas, it was beaten out by Optometrist. (It seriously was on the list, though...) He is actually now seriously considering becoming an optometrist! And I, of course, have decided that all of us should benefit from his test results. Take it away, list!
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOUR OPTOMETRIST SAY
10. Can you believe I'm actually legally blind?
9. Great news! The voices in my head say it's not glaucoma.
8. Well, let me know if those drops work. They could also make you go blind. Personally, I'm hoping for the former.
7. Just sit down, relax and enjoy the next six hours while we go over a revolutionary new way to make money selling household products to your friends.
6. You're my first patient since that weird mix-up with the hydrochloric acid.
5. My old eye chart caught fire, so if you'll just read the letters off that Mimi's Cafe menu I stole, we can get started...
4. Do you mind if I also dilate your tongue?
3. We only sell two styles of frames: the Elton John's or the Dame Edna's.
2. Wait here, I need my syringe.
1. Hi, I'm Doctor Bock.
And actually I think optometrist works out PERFECT because guess who could get some deeply discounted contact lenses? Oh, yeah! My life would be set. I guess it's now really up to me to become the family mechanic, though. Sigh.....
P.S. Brian, if you change your major, I'll buy you this shirt. Think it over.