Friday, October 14, 2016

A Lunchroom Quickie

I know, I know. The last post I wrote was about the lunchroom, but it continues to be the greatest source of simultaneous horror and entertainment I have ever stumbled upon.  In particular, I get to enjoy the daily tattle tale reports from my dear sweet second graders.  And usually I respond to these reports in one of two ways: 1. I completely ignore them and say "Just eat your food."  OR 2. I make a confused squinty face and silently walk away.  This covers everything from "He told me to shut up" to "She's irritating me with her pickle." However, I wasn't sure how to react today when one of my repeat offenders called me over to his table to say that his friend, "Keeps telling the lunch lady that I like her and want to take her to Applebee's." Neither of my standard reactions covered this one because I looked at that kid in total shock and said, "Is Applebee's still open?"

Thursday, October 6, 2016

The Hitchhikers Guide to The Lunchroom

Just in case it has been a long time since you ate food in a school cafeteria, I am here to give you the heads up on how things work in there now a days.  My 55 minutes per day of observing child lunchroom behavior allows me to save you the embarrassment the next time you show up to eat with your child at school.  I mean, you wouldn't want to pick up an apple and just take a regular bite like a moron, would you?  I didn't think so.  When in Rome, people.

How to Eat....

1.  A whole orange:  Mangle the entire fruit to shreds trying to open it, then take half the orange and squeeze the juice out into one of the empty foam compartments in your lunch tray.  Suck up the juice with a straw.  Throw the other half of the orange in the garbage.

2.  Pizza:  Pull the entire cheese topping off in one single, slimy sheet.  Roll up said cheese layer into a big cheese cigar.  Eat cigar, then throw the rest of the pizza in the garbage.  

3.  A corn dog: (There are MULTIPLE options with this one, this is just one suggestion) First, take the corn dog off of the stick.  Next, remove the outer corn dog jacket and break it up in to small pieces.  Eat the hot dog with lots of ketchup and airplane noises.  Finally, take the corn dog jacket scraps and mash them up into one giant ball.  Place the whole ball in your mouth and then torment your neighbor with the remaining stick. Throw the rest of your food in the garbage. 

4.  Grapes (or grape tomatoes):  Place cup of grapes on your tray.  Walk to your seat with said tray. Look back at your friend who is walking behind you and miss the table when you go to set your tray on it.  Enjoy the superior rolling motion of grapes as they scatter in all directions.  Ask the lunch lady for replacement grapes. Repeat process.  

5.  Pringles- Open the small container.  Take pointer finger and insert into the stack of chips and poke them repeatedly until they all break into pieces the size of confetti.  Accidentally knock the container over with your elbow.  Wait until the fifth time of being told to pick it up to place in garbage.

6.  Chicken drummies- Hold chicken by the bone.  Squeeze ketchup all over the drummie and eat it, making sure to get ketchup on both cheeks and forehead.  Throw the rest of your food in the garbage.  
7.  Chocolate chocolate chip muffin-  Struggle for 4 minutes trying to open the muffin.  Once a cafeteria worker has opened it for you, proceed to crumble up the entire muffin until it looks like a pile of ground beef.  Eat with spork.  Throw the rest of your food in the garbage.

8.  Vegetables: (this includes broccoli, corn, baked beans, carrots, succotash, sweet potatoes, red peppers, cauliflower, salad, tomatoes, cucumbers, peas, and/or brussel sprouts) -  Take from lunch lady and place directly in garbage.

9.  Pulled pork-  Use spork to "frost" the pile of pork with a healthy coating of butter.  Eat with a look that says, "That's not as good as I thought it would be."  Throw the rest of the pork in the garbage.

10.  Chocolate milk-  Struggle unsuccessfully to open the milk container and finally get so upset that you rip it open all the way down to the milk level.  Pour directly in lap.  

11.  On-the-go juice powders:  Open the packet poorly, so as to make the powder come out both sides of the opening.  Tilt the opened packet upside down one inch to the left of the opening of the water bottle, making sure that none of the powder gets inside the water bottle, but that all of it lands on the table, your shirt and your face.  Wait until given a wet paper towel to clean it up for the real magic to happen. Throw everything within a 20 foot radius in the garbage.  

Saturday, October 1, 2016

A Luke Quickie

Just now Luke came walking up to me wincing and holding his left hand on his right shoulder.  When I asked what was wrong he said, "I just drank a bunch of milk and now it feels like there's a hole in my shoulder."  I, of course, did what any great mother would do.  I laughed my head off at him!!! What the heck does that even mean???!  I seriously could not stop laughing.  Poor guy was a little offended that approximately zero cares were being given about his pain, but it's just kinda random, wouldn't you say?  I eventually rubbed his shoulder and told him to quit drinking so much milk (I could totally be a doctor), and the situation seemed to resolve itself.  Luke, you never disappoint me :)

And now for something completely different:

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Deep Thoughts

A few weeks ago Jacob got a call from an acquaintance needing an emergency DJ because they had hired one that did not show up for a birthday party.  After he called to tell me we were leaving soon for Clearwater Beach, I hung up and immediately began thinking in my head about the music for this party.  It went something like this....

"Let's see, she is turning 40, so that means we are going to be playing what?  70's music?  No, wait, is that right?  Let's see, if she is 40 now........ that means that she was.....carry the one.......18 in.........1993.  HOLY CRAP, 1993.  I GRADUATED IN 1997."  

*Silence and deep thought the rest of the ride home*

The party turned out to not be a big deal at all, not sure why they even hired a DJ to be honest, but the hotel was right on the beach and I got to see a killer sunset.  The bartender even put the tv on the BYU vs Utah game for a short time until everyone realized they were watching a BYU vs Utah game, and then they immediately changed it to the SEC.  I didn't really want to watch it anyway...

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Hand Me My Wand, Dear

Last Friday was "Frozen Day" in 4th grade at the school.  The kids were going to be studying the ice age and the science of snowflakes and reindeer ventriloquy or something like that, so all the teachers were dressed as characters from the movie and the kids were allowed to dress up as well.  Luke didn't really mention this fact to me ahead of time but after we were at school for about 10 seconds and he could see how seriously all of his friends were taking this day, he came to me in a panic begging me to "make him an Olaf costume."  Now, I admit, I am good.  Sometimes I am even real good.  But making an Olaf costume basically out of nothing was a little beyond my capabilities.  Or so I thought! I actually went to the teacher workroom and found things in the recycle bin to put together three pieces of coal, a carrot nose and three little hairs that I attached to my black headband and BAM! You're welcome, Luke.  You won't really appreciate this until later, like maybe when you are on your mission and someone urgently asks you to make them a snowman costume out of nothing. And in that moment you will think "Why do you need a snowman costume, President?"

Yoo-hoo, big student blow out!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Roadie Awards Vol. 5, Studio C

During our time in Utah, Studio C was holding a live taping at BYU.  We entered the drawing for free tickets, but alas, my email was sadly overlooked.  So we decided to go the hard route and do the old standby line.  

Cindy's best gal pal Charlotte and her family happened to be in Utah as well, so we joined forces on our adventure.  

This was the line for standby tickets just before noon when the line was supposed to begin forming.

Charlotte and family made signs in hopes of garnering support for our quest to get inside for the taping.  

We made it to the front of the line and were given a standby number of 10.  They didn't seem too optimistic that we would get in, but they did promise that we would be able to watch the live feed from upstairs and perhaps have a visit from some of the cast members.  

We had until 5pm to wait around, so we decided to spend our time in Provo by:

Cozying up to Jeremy...

Kicking it with Matt...

Reenacting a little shoulder angel...

Battling the brutal summer crowds for a bowl of Whoosh Cecil and Graham Canyon at the Creamery on 9th...

Hitting the classic Orem Nickelcade and finally winning 100 tickets on the super prize wheel of fantasical amusement...

And checking out the new Provo City temple.

We finally made it back to the broadcasting building to wait in line and find out our Studio C fate.

We didn't make it in :(  Michelle, Cindy and her friends were pretty disappointed, but just as promised, we were shown to the overflow room where we got to watch the entire live taping AND.....

We received a surprise visit from Adam and James!!

They didn't have time for autographs, but after a short Q&A they ran around the room for high fives.  I asked Cindy, if she knew how it would end going in to this experience, which one would she have chosen?  Get in to the taping or meet these guys?  She said meeting the cast was way better.  Secretly, I totally planned it that way.  I am just that good of a mom.  

Yeah, okay, so I didn't really hand out any "awards" in this post, but you know what? You know who deserves an award?  YOU.  Thank you, loyal Sweeneyville reader for not giving up on me and my attempt at blogging about my summer vacation before Halloween.  

It's Not If I'm Buying This, It's How Many Do I Want?

Yoda Cat For Me

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Ain't Nobody Got Time For This

About a month ago during what was supposed to be my first days of orientation for my new job at the school, I got selected for jury duty for the first time in my life.  Since the timing was just awful, I was determined to plead my case to the judge and get the heck out of there and back to my real life.  You can guess how well that turned out.  I angrily texted Jacob to let him know my fate just after I was sworn in.  His reply was,

Note to self, be more crazy

It was a three day civil case of a woman suing her HOA for a sewage backup in her condominium. Which happened over four years ago.  That every "witness" couldn't "really remember."  Which made for a lovely three days of constantly asking myself, "How did I get here???" over and over and over again.  While I did actually pay attention to all the evidence and all the "witnesses" (really, an old BLIND man that supposedly didn't respond to letters that were mailed to him???!!!), I would be lying if I said this wasn't me every time I walked into the jury box:

I won't bore you with all the details, but I will share some tidbits of wisdom that I have collected from this experience.

Things I Learned From Serving on a Jury

10.  Judges do not care if you are missing your first day of work at your new job to come and possibly be selected for jury duty. In fact, they probably secretly delight in your misery and talk about it with all their judgey friends when they get together for canasta.  "Haha, I totally picked another one that absolutely didn't want to be there.  You should have seen her face!"

9.  If you are the bailiff in charge of ordering pizza for the jury to eat while they begin deliberating, don't get two extra larges for 7 people.  That's way too much.  Just get the pizza and then maybe some garlic knots.

8.  If there is any way possible to mediate a solution to your case before going to court and handing your case over to a jury, for the love of all things good and holy, please make that happen.  We had absolutely no idea what we were doing.

7.  The seersucker suit not only still exists, but is thriving among the over 70, balding, slightly wacky, farsighted, lawyer demographic.

6.  To make "sidebars" more fun, have a stash of small candies in your purse to eat each time the lawyers take one.  You will gain five pounds, but your annoyance at the constant interruptions will be mitigated.

5.  Don't got through awkward goodbyes with your fellow jurors right before lunch, because you will each go your separate ways and then end up sitting every other table at your local Zaxby's.

4.  So much of what you see on TV does actually exist in the courtroom, but the eloquence is turned down by about 20 levels.  There are a lot of awkward pauses and "uhhhhs" and "ummmms" while the lawyers think of how to say things without getting an objection from the opposing side.  But not once did anyone yell, "You can't handle the truth!"  So in that regard, it was kind of a letdown.

3.  The court stenographer is the real hero in that courtroom. I don't know how he manages to keep up with everything that is being said and not completely lose his mind at the stupid things he has to hear, day in and day out.  Words I really wish we could have heard during the trial include, bat-a-rang, snozzberry, rumpus, frenemy, talk to the hand, and cyberslacking.

2.  Using the pad and pen they provide you to draw cat doodles is totally acceptable because in the end all the papers get shredded and no one sees your drawings.  Wait, that's actually really sad, because my liger was incredible.

1.  If you are quietly filling out your first preliminary form for jury selection and you happen to casually glance over to the big guy next to you and see that he has written down that he has been on trial for murder, and then you later get placed on a 7 man jury with that same big guy, don't sweat it.  Apparently he's just really excited to see "how things work on the other side" of the courtroom.

Friday, September 9, 2016

It Was a Long Day

After taking Cindy, Charlotte and Becca to All-County Chorus auditions yesterday, (which was an experience I can liken only to the DMV mixed with a little bit of the line for meeting Ana and Elsa), the four of us took our weary selves to Wendy's.  Because they put your name on a big TV screen.  And then things got a little out of hand.  Big shout out to Ashley for tolerating our shenanigans :)  To be clear, "Fry Fighter" was going to be "ChewBaconator", but they only have so many characters to play with.  

8500 bonus points to anyone who can correctly pronounce the name on the middle left receipt

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Ode to the School Nurse

Since I work at the school now, I regularly get to walk into the main office and right by the clinic. Never have I ever seen the clinic without at least one child in it.  Ever.  (And when I subbed last year, I think I was responsible for sending about 80% of those kids.)  I really don't think the school nurse has down time during her entire day.  And today I personally had to walk in there and thank her for helping me.  Not because I had an injury, but because during my shift in the lunchroom, Luke bit into his sandwich and his already very loose tooth got wedged forward in a horribly uncomfortable position.   I don't really do loose teeth removal (I don't enough continuing education credits) so I sent him to Mrs. Gina and he confidently returned  minutes later, smiling and holding his tooth in his spanking new tooth necklace. Yep, she took that tooth right out.  Hopefully she won't be leaving the school any time soon because Luke still has a good 12 teeth left to lose.

I don't always lose my teeth, but when I do, it's at school.