Happy Embrace Your Geekness Day!

When I think about what makes a geek, it usually involves images of polyhedral dice, hideous fan fiction stories, computer strewn basement lairs, building robot girlfriends, reading entire instruction manuals, being president of a chess club, going to the movies dressed in character or riveting discussions about the difference between speed and velocity. NONE of which apply to me, thank you very much, therefore, I am so not even close to being a geek. Right? So pretty much I have nothing to really embrace on this day. Right? Right? Okay, okay! You beat it out of me! I actually am a gigantic geek. In fact I was convicted of it in court a few months ago. If you want to read the transcript from when I took the stand, I happen to have a copy of it below. I took the time to translate it back from Klingon, which is my preferred language....


Prosecutor: Mrs. Sweeney, the court would now like to take a quick inventory. We have a few questions concerning some of your behaviors and possessions that will help the jury evaluate your geek tendencies. Please remember you are under oath."
Me: As long as we hurry; there is a documentary on JarJar Binks that starts at 3 on SyFy.

Prosecutor: Do you or do you not own all three seasons of Star Trek: The Original Series on DVD?
Me: Yes. It is much easier to catch all the technical inaccuracies watching the episodes at half speed then to spot them during a regular Trek marathon on cable.

Prosecutor: And how many Star Trek captains uniforms do you own?
Me: I personally own zero. However, there are two hanging in my closet.

Prosecutor: Do you own any other Star Trek paraphernalia?
Me: That depends; do my 8 Collectible Star Trek glasses from Burger King count?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Me: What about my Star Trek Pin Set Christmas ornament?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Me: And my David Hasselhoff marble collection?
Prosecutor: No, but the jury is instructed to not ignore that statement.


Prosecutor: Do you or do you not own a Harry Potter T-shirt which identifies you as the "Gryffindor Quidditch Team Captain?"
Me: In my defense, it cost me less than two galleons, which is a STEAL! Am I right? I mean, usually it would cost at least 10 oz. of goblin gold for something of that quality.

Prosecutor: And will you be wearing this to the final Harry Potter movie this weekend?
Me: It clashes a bit with Jacob's dress robes, so it's still up in the air.
Prosecutor: I see.


Prosecutor: Does your current desktop PC have dual monitors?
Me: Well, I can't watch Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who at the same time with just one, can I?

Prosecutor: And who assembled your current desktop PC?
Me: My husband.

Prosecutor: And may I ask what he does for a living?
Me: He teaches Algebra to nitwits.

Prosecutor: Can he quote the quadratic formula off the top of his head?
Me: Only when I need him to. Which is usually just when I am computing how far two trains are from each other if one leaves Boston at 1pm going 89 mph and the other leaves Phoenix at 1:30 going 85 mph. So, I would postulate, about every other day maybe?

Prosecutor: Do you own the game Risk?
Me: Classic version or Lord of the Rings Limited Edition? Because we have both and I don't know which one you are referring to.

Prosecutor: How many light sabers are currently in your home?
Me: Well, my son is named Luke, so what do you expect?

Prosecutor: Wait, so you named your son after Luke Skywalker from Star Wars?
Me: Ummmm, actually it was after the apostle Luke. Yeah. The apostle. Definitely him.

Prosecutor: Have you ever named any of your pets after SyFy characters?
Me: Possibly.

Prosecutor: Please tell the court about said animals and their names.
Me: We may or may not have had a cat named 7 of 9, a kitten named Chewbacca, and some more kittens named Luke, Han and Darth Vader.
Prosecutor: Intriguing.

Prosecutor: Finally, we would like to enter into evidence, Exhibit A, which is the following photo:



Prosecutor: Mrs. Sweeney, is this not a picture of you lighting numbered candles on a chicken pot pie on March 14, 2010, or "Pi Day" as it is referred to?

Me: Hmmm, hard to tell. The hair is all wrong, the arms are way too flabby to be mine ;) and the box of matches is covering up the last number, which looks to me like the letter A. And that alphanumeric combination only makes sense if you were programming something in Pascal or Delphi! Which, don't make me laugh, is so 14 years ago!! Haahahhhhaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa!


Prosecutor: Your Honor, that's all we have for now. The Prosecution rests. Thank you for your cooperation, Mrs. Sweeney.
Me: Live long and prosper.



Too bad I couldn't counter all that evidence with this very blog post. Because writing and blogging fictional courtroom dramas about how much of a geek I am is the epitome of cool, don't you think?