Doth My Ears Deceive Me?

I have noticed recently that my children need to have hearing exams.  I think there is too much ear wax in there because they never seem to correctly hear what I am saying.  For example....


When I say "Go get dressed"  my children hear, "Put on the oldest shirt you can find so your teacher thinks I haven't been shopping since 1987."


When I say "Go brush your teeth"  my children hear, "Can you please go smear toothpaste on every square inch of the bathroom?  And don't forget the inside of my hair dryer like last time.  Thanks."  


When I say "Please go clean up your room real quick so you can play" my children hear,  "Good news, slavery is being reinstated in America and you two are the lucky first victims!  Clinically sterilize your bedroom and if you could you also sing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot while you work, that would be great."


When I say "I have a meeting up at the church so you will be staying home with Dad for a few hours"  my children hear,   "I'm leaving for a pony-riding party and a meet-and-greet with Iron Man.  See ya later, suckers!!!"


When I say "Go take your shower so we can read scriptures" they hear "Go see how long it takes for us to completely run out of hot water and also find out if the wood floor in the hallway is really watertight."


And my personal favorite, when I say "Time to get out of the pool"  they hear  "Woof, woof, rrrrufff! Ruff, woof, arf."  That one's for you, Dad.