Saturday, April 11, 2009

My Official Twilight Review

So I finally did it. I broke down and went to the Redbox and rented Twilight. On purpose. I believe that being one of only 17 people left on the planet who has not seen the movie or read the books was turning me into somewhat of a weirdo. And speaking of weirdos, how about that Edward Cullen, eh? Wow, I don't even know where to start with this guy! Actually, let me start with what tidbits of information I already knew going into the movie:

1. There is a guy named Edward
2. He is a vampire
3. There are other people in the movie
4. I have no idea who any of them are

As you can see, I was a fountain of Twilight knowledge. Pretty good for never reading the book! In the end I thought the movie was interesting, (I did not fall asleep!) yet it was also kind of cheesy. Once again, a list of pros and cons would be in order:

1. I finally at least understand the plot line of the series now; the forbidden vampire/human love story vs. the possibility that Bella could become a vampire and live forever with Edward. (Is that right? I was a little hazy on that part.)
2. They really did end up tearing that James guy in pieces and burning him! I kinda thought that was just a figure of speech until they did it. Nice follow through!
3. Totally thought that Carlisle, the father, was way cuter than Edward.
4. The movie wasn't really about some awful family situation with Bella's parents. For the most part her parents were nice and they got along. And Bella doesn't get Punk'd at school all through the movie either. Kind of a nice change.

1. Bella becomes totally in love with Edward for pretty much no apparent reason. I kind of missed why she even likes him, really. Besides some fatal attraction thing. The movie just put in ethereal music and long gazes but kind of lacked the reasoning behind it all.
2. Edward was WAY too pale and creepy looking. I get the whole, hot brooding teenager look, but he was so intense and so odd looking in some scenes, it was a little over the top. He's a weirdo, we get it.
3. Vampires playing baseball because they need thunder to hide the noise? Okay, I guess they get bored like the rest of us?
4. We get to the very dramatic scene where Edward kidnaps Bella up into the mountains and reveals to her the awful sight of a Vampire in the sun!!! No, don't look! I've....become...SPARKLY! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-huh? No worries, Edward, you are beautiful.

Okay, so I forced Jacob to watch this movie with me and it was at the part where Bella and Edward are laying in the grass in the mountains (after she puts 2 and 2 together) that Jacob sat up and threatened to leave. But he persevered with me and at the end he proudly declared, "WOW, I need to do something really masculine now." (He played some PS2 Football, in case you were wondering...)

And so the judges award the following scores...
Jacob (and most guys in general): 2 out of 5 stars (it got a two for having blood)
Jessica: 3 out of 5 stars (My apologies to all the fanpires out there)

AND, as an added bonus, I have been inspired to treat you to a top ten. Enjoy!


10. Cameo by President Monson much shorter than expected
9. Vampires only eat people that don't own all the Twilight books (I'm a gonner!)
8. Even vampires are being watched by the money they could be saving by switching to GEICO
7. Part where Edward saves Bella from Somali pirates was a little contrived
6. Cullen family not actually vampires, just unemployed used car salesmen
5. Over 3,000 people voluntarily live in Forks, Washington
4. Musical number with Teen-Wolf really showed Edward's vocal range
3. Blood Sucking for Dummies a little too vague to really help Bella
2. Original title of "Gee, You're Sparkles Look Terrific!" never it made it to final cut
1. Big Foot's annoying laugh


DeAnne said...

You are so funny. That good huh? I haven't seen it or read it. I have to get my on line courses done. Being that it is psychology, maybe I could apply it to why Bella is attracted to Edward, is it nature or nurture or is it free will or determinism..I will keep studying and be able to provide you will a full and complete explanation for why his pale face is so attractive to healthy teens.

Donna said...

you have to read the book. The movie is so horrid. They actually talk to each other in the book. Edward is hot in the book, but not the movie. He is also much nicer, articulate and not so James Deanish. Background needed to know--in the book he actually has several doctoral degrees and in the movie he mumbles like an idiot.

DeAnne, I am actually exploring the whole attraction side of things in my book "Women Who Love Twilight and the Men who love them". If I ever finish it.

Jen said...

Hey friend. I haven't been reading lately but this is my favorite review of the movie evers. Fanpires... very punny.