Guest Blogger

As you may know, my dad is in charge of a county-wide food donation program every Thanksgiving to benefit those who are less fortunate.  Each year he sends out daily email blasts to all the county employees reminding them to donate to the cause. And since this is my dad we are talking about, and from whom I get my mad writing skills, you know it isn't some boring two sentence reminder devoid of humor.  It is always accompanied by some sort of Novembery anecdote, meme, top ten list, etc. The reaction to these emails is everything from hatred and loathing to the proper elation and joy that it is finally that time of year again.  So without further ado, here is today's offering from my dad...

Dear Friends,

According to the Associated Press, this year if you call Butterball's Turkey Talk Line (1-800-BUTTERBALL) for some cooking advice, you might get a male voice on the line.   For the first time, Butterball is hiring men as well as women for its holiday hotline.

The 32-year-old talk line offers advice to anyone overwhelmed by making the perfect turkey for Thanksgiving Day and the rest of the year-end holiday season.   But the line, which employs around 60 people, has never hired men before.   The company says it wasn't specifically excluding men, but it usually relied on word-of-mouth to hire its talk line operators and its hires were always women.  Most operators have a background in food or nutrition; and have culinary degrees or are dietitians, food stylists or scientists. They also take a crash course in turkey making at Butterball.

As you might imagine, the most Frequently Asked Questions by anxious Thanksgiving chefs are about how long to thaw and roast a bird.  But occasionally the Turkey Talk Line operators get a question that’s out of the ordinary.  Here are some actual questions people have asked Butterball.  I am not making this up.

              

Can I cook the turkey in a pillowcase smeared with butter?

Can I baste the turkey with suntan oil?

Can I thaw my turkey with a hair dryer?  (Or an electric blanket?  Or in the aquarium with my fish?)

I use my oven to heat my tiny apartment.  How long will it take to cook a turkey with the oven door open?

My turkey has been in the freezer for 23 years.  Is it still OK to eat?

It’s a two hour drive from the store to my house and I don’t want the turkey to thaw yet.  Can I put it on the luggage rack? 

Can I poke holes in the turkey and pour beer in it to keep it moist?

I’m a long haul trucker.  Can I cook a turkey on my engine block while I drive?

My Chihuahua climbed inside the raw turkey.   Is it still edible?         (The turkey or the Chihuahua?)

While you are asking yourself why so many calls to the Turkey Talk Line apparently come from Mulberry, also ask yourself if you’ve put any canned or non-perishable food in the Collection Box in your work area for the Thanksgiving Food Drive.

Um, the answer to the question about the 23 year old turkey still being good to eat had better be yes. Otherwise I need to find a new turkey for this year's dinner ASAP.