Thursday, December 4, 2014

You Thought I Forgot, Didn't You Squidward?

Never fear!  Even though it is already December 4th, I have finally finished compiling pictures of the strange donations from this year's Polk County Thanksgiving Food Drive.  A little late, but worth the wait.  Without further ado...

Up first is this unassuming box of Tuna Helper.  I myself am a fan.  I grew up eating Tuna Helper. (No comments from the peanut gallery, please).  

But as it turns out, this box was only good until March.  OF 2006!!  That means that this helper expired almost 9 years ago, which means that it was probably made about 10 to 11 YEARS AGO!!! (Just for the record, in 2006, George Bush was president, The Nintendo Wii came out and Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth for most home runs).  So in other words, this Helper is PO.  Pre-Obama.  Tell me about the good times, Helper! Sniff, sniff!

Now, I actually Googled "eat expired Tuna Helper" and found an online forum where a man was asking "Should I eat Tuna Helper that is 42 months past the code date?" (As if that is even a question.) And because we all know that the best part of anything on the Internet is the comments section, here are the best replies to that query:

"It's not real food, do it."

"No you wont die...that's a best buy date not a death by date."

"It's not like it will taste worse."

"People actually eat tuna helper even if it isn't passed it's due date?"

"I have eaten 7 year old chicken from my freezer before and i lived."

"Tuna Helper is perishable?"

"I only eat fresh picked, locally sourced Tuna Helper from my local farmer's co-op."

"You can eat the 2007 Tuna Helper, but I prefer the rather more subtle, reserved and quietly elegant 2004, a vintage that is likely to remain ever under-rated, thanks to that which followed. IMO, the 2005 vintage is, without any doubt in my mind, one of the greatest Tuna Helper vintages of recent decades."

So it's vintage??  Joke's on us. Suckers!  (And I may or may not have been the writer of the chicken comment.)

And speaking of expiration dates, pay no attention to the bottom of this Grits container.  It is absolutely NOT past the best by date.  

This year's award for "I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be" goes to...this! 
Can of....something!

I know it has fiber, protein, probiotics and possibly Scurvy

You know what goes good with Thanksgiving dinner?  Grilled Parisian mini toasts.  I know, I know, I took the words right out of your mouth.  I mean, your bouche.

Here we have box of vegetarian burger mix.  Right now you are thinking, "That probably sucks!" But I did a little research and right on the front of the box it clearly says it is "Fantastic" so you are WAY off.  

Is anyone else disturbed by the brand name "ABC" on food? Horrible marketing mistake in my opinion.  Oh wait, that's not the official name, that was just actually describing what was in the jar! I get it! Never mind.  

Okay, every year people donate pet food.  No big deal.  It's actually an item that goes pretty quick when the families that come in are allowed to choose extras from the "shopping table".  But this year I am thinking that this food was not actually meant for a house cat.  Picture of mountain lion on the front: check.  Made of "roasted venison and smoked salmon:" check.  Grain free: check. Described as "Rocky Mountain feline formula:" check.  Umm, I'm pretty sure no one around here is feeding an actual Rocky Mountain feline.  Unless you count that huge Puma that strolls my neighborhood right around New Year's...

"Does this Food Drive help less fortunate elves?"
"Yes, it does."
"Perfect, I will donate that coffee I have been saving..."

This year's award for "Oh, I thought this was the garbage" or "In case you ever find that food you're looking for, here is some relish to go with it" goes to this little guy right here:

I got hungry on the way to the box. Sorry.  

If a group of little kids didn't put every single one of these in their mouth's at the same time and make a giant gum cud, I will be so disappointed.

Finally, here is the most unique and exotic item we received:  

Some digging around the internet shows that these little guys:

a. go for about 6 bucks a can
b. "Make an excellent stocking stuffer"
c.  taste like cat food according to one Amazon reviewer 
d.  will make you the most popular host in town, and finally
e.  prove that whenever I see a lobster, I can't not think of these and how bad I want them.  Please send a pair to the Sweeneyville home box office at PO Box 4421, Sewickley, PA 15143.

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