Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Chapter Four: Everything Else or The Day My Bowels Tried to Kill Me

Chapter Four

Overall the holidays were pretty darn good.  We took family pictures the day after Christmas and I realized that was literally the one time during the break where we were all in attendance together. (Hopefully those pictures will be appearing on a blog near you very soon.) Other highlights included...

Games.  This picture represents all of the games we played.  Which I think was like 227. Telestrations was a great one.

Dave finally played the claw game for all the kids see!!  He did not win the one-eyed polka dot starfish. Darnit, I really wanted that guy.

Once again Aunt Kelly came to town and set incredibly high standards for hair styling that I will never measure up to.

Even JennyEllen put me to shame with her zig zag french braid! 

Cousin Time: It's In-tents!  (Get it? Intense?) No seriously, it was pretty intense.  Luke and Wyatt are also inside that tent, you just can't see them.  Maybe it was really a TARDIS...

My niece Olivia stole the show while she was here.  Cindy and Luke were in love with her and I know that Cindy wanted to smuggle her into our house and never let her escape.  

And now,

Appendix A: The Olivia Totem Pole of Important People

Most Important: Hummus

 Second most important:  Grandpa Bingham

Third most important:  Uncle Jacob
(Seriously, they had a magic moment that night we had the fire in our backyard.  BFFs)

Least important:  Grandma Bingham

Olivia will soon learn the hideous error of her ways and put Grandma at the top where she deserves to be.

The mystery death disease that Brian had on Christmas Day soon passed to Luke on the Saturday after Christmas. So while this glorious beach day was happening...

I was at home keeping Luke company while he vomited every four hours :(  By Sunday he was feeling much better, which was just in time for Kelly to start feeling iffy for the night.  Then both of my parents soon got the funk and they each missed work that Monday.

I was determined to not get sick.  In fact, I was incredibly confident I was going to be the ONE person that was going to run the gauntlet and survive.  And I almost made it.  Tuesday night I was playing a game at Chris and Molly's house, having a great time, but noticing I was getting a headache.  I decided things were going to be fine.  Meanwhile, in my lower intestines...


And then it just got worse and worse and worse.  My back began to hurt so bad I thought I was about to bring a child into the world.  I tried a hot shower, some sort of prescription drug Chris gave me, Ibuprofen- finally I limped to their the playroom to suffer in silence all night long.  I managed to wake up and feel 50% alive, but by noon I was driving home with only the thought of dying in my own bed keeping me going.  So New Year's Eve of 2014 was just about as EPIC of a year as I have ever spent!  In the bathroom every three hours and then in bed by 7:30.  Par-tay! Thankfully, Jacob took off to DJ a dance that night and the kids stayed behind at my brother's house, so I slept quite well once my bowels stopped trying to kill me. Never. Again.


Each of the following ten phrases are actual medical conditions found in the American Medical Association's Journal of Hideous Afflictions.  And each one is quite possible the exact scourge we passed around during the holidays.

10.  "The Itis"
9.  Intestinal plague
8.  Cramptastic Flux
7.  Flaming bowel disorder
6.  Montezuma's avenging assassin
5.  Caca Vesuvius
4.  Acute entrail failure
3.  Grade IV abdominal combustion
2.  Gee, I Wish I Just Had Dysentery
1.  Napalm Guts

P.S.  I neglected to mention officially that on Christmas night, Dave asked JennyEllen to marry him :)

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