Friday, October 21, 2011

I Smell Refund!

Have you ever been scammed by a business and wanted a refund? Have you made endless phone calls that get you absolutely nowhere? I am proud to say that my dad has created an absolute foolproof way of getting the results you want in these situations. It all started a few years back when, I believe, a totally dishonest credit card company ripped him off. He called, complained, asked nicely, asked not-so-nicely for his money back- all the usual tactics and it got him nowhere. Then he came up with the most ingenius tactic to get results. He just recently used this same plan of attack on the company in charge of those shifty, door-to-door, quasi-vagrant magazine salesmen. You know, those guys that just got out of prison, are trying to turn their lives around and all they need is someone like you to give them a chance and buy magazines so they can earn "points" so they don't have to live on the streets and sell crack anymore? Yes, my dad did buy magazines from them. But in his defense it was Sesame Street and it was for Luke. It has been a over a year since he forked over the check and he has been trying to get his money back ever since, because, obviously, the magazines never arrived. So here for you now is the letter my dad wrote (in all its sarcastic glory), followed by a picture of him holding the check for his refund :) A refund check that surprised my mom so much, her eyebrows fell off onto the ground. Ha! I had to make a joke about not having eyebrows at least once, Mom. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. They will be growing back in by Christmas anyway :)

September 21, 2011

UD Management Group
611 K Street NW Suite 3
Washington, D.C. 20001

I am not expecting a response from this letter. It’s for your information only.

I ordered a magazine from one of your young grifters in Lakeland, Florida, last year and, of course, the magazine never arrived.

I have called you several times and have been promised my money would be returned and, of course, it has not been.

I should have known better but my white guilt got the best of me and I gave a check to one of your apprentice con men. Oh well, live and learn I suppose.

But even though I will never get my money back, I can, perhaps, keep some other guilty white guy in Polk County Florida from contributing to your scam.

I have decided that it will be my goal over the next couple of months to hand out 500 of the enclosed cards to people I meet.

When I go to Walgreen’s, the clerk will get a card. When Domino’s delivers my pizza, the delivery guy will get a card. The staff at my dentist’s office, the people I go to church with, my neighbors and the lady in the toll booth on the Parkway will all get cards. If I get to 500 cards handed out before your lying shysters hit town again around Thanksgiving, I’ll start on another 500.

I know my little protest will not make a significant dent in the bottom line of your thieving enterprise, but it will make me feel good. And it might even save a few hundred other unsuspecting suckers from falling for your annual swindle.

Michael Bingham
Lakeland, FL 33812
Reference # 662049

Here is what is printed on a little business card that is enclosed with the letter:

This Card Is A Friendly Warning:
Do Not Buy Magazines
From Door-To-Door Salesmen


You think you are helping a young man earn points for a trip
or a scholarship by buying his overpriced magazines.


Two weeks later...

¡SeƱor Refundo! A genius the likes of which the world has never known...

So there you have it! The foolproof formula for a successful refund is as follows: 1 cleverly saracstic letter + 1 printed business card of doom = World domination!


Mags said...

Your father is a genius. I always knew it. I read this to Zeke and he was shocked and impressed.

SEan said...

This... is amazing. Good writing is a gift.