A Cindy Quickie

If you know anything abut me and Cindy, you know that we fight about her hair constantly.  More specifically, her part.  Because of her cowlick, I wish to part her hair on a certain side (which is hairdresser-approved, by the way) and she HATES it.  Absolutely, 100% hates it.  I could sooner make her eat a tarantula for dinner than part her hair on the side she hates.  But nevertheless I still keep trying to comb it that way in hopes of changing her mind before she turns 74.  So this morning she was eating breakfast and I was combing her hair to help her get ready faster.  I started to part her hair the way I like and she kept undoing my work with her hand, over and over and over.  Then she looked up smiling at me and very smugly said, "I can do this all. day. long."  And sadly, she does.

Romney Should Start With This...

Top Ten Kitchen Tools  OR Things That Would Make a Better President Than Obama


10. Wire whisk
9.  Tuna strainer
8.  Fondue fork
7.  Garlic press
6.  Slotted spoon
5.  Zester
4.  Box of toothpicks
3. Poultry lifter
2. Kiwi guard
1. Funnel

Like a Boss

A Luke Quickie

The other day the kids and I met a friend and her kids over at my in-laws' house to go swimming.  As we pulled up to the house, there was a car in the driveway we did not recognize.  The kids began to get really scared as to who was at the house.  Cindy said, "Oh my gosh, what if it's a robber?"  But Luke calmed her down with his wisdomous logic, saying "It can't be a robber, they only come at night."  Man, nighttime just gets creepier and creepier doesn't it?  (By the way, it was my friends' rental car because her regular car was in the shop :)

Son of a Mannerless Goat

I forgot to mention that my regular 3 mile run on Friday actually turned out to be a 4 mile run with a bonus goat rescue!  (I love the word goat, by the way.  It's one of my favorites.)  I was on my run and while going down Harrell's Nursery road I was flagged down by a tiny Asian woman, Ophelia, and she was very nervous about a goat that had gotten his head and horns stuck in the fence.  Now, I know that upon first meeting me you immediately think, She obviously knows a thing or two about goats, but truth be told, I am a goat wranglin' rookie.  But I figured, how hard can it be to get an animal to turn its head 90 degrees?  A lot harder than it looked, Spanky!  The combined efforts of me and Ophelia did nothing.  Poor goat was apparently deaf too because I kept yelling "Turn your head and free yourself, you weirdo!" but he didn't respond.  I decided to finish my run and then return to the goat field on my way back to my house to see if a miracle occurred and the goat had been teleported out of the fence.  Nope, he was stuck as ever and now bleating in the most pathetic and pitiful manner imaginable.  I tried and tried to just grab that goat by the horns and shove him through, but he would not have it!  Finally, a minivan pulled over and a woman and her teenage son joined my efforts.  With a little bending of the fence wire and whole lotta goat cajolin' we got that critter free.  He ran away and didn't even say thank you.  Was he raised in a barn?!?  But then the good Samaritan and I did a silent fistbump and I went on with my day like I didn't just save a goat's life.  But I did.  And I'm pretty sure there are some sweet heavenly rewards for that...

A Luke Quickie

Yesterday afternoon in the car when I picked up the kids from school:

Luke:  This was the worstest day.
Me: Why?
Luke:  Because in class today I had to go to the most boringist center there is.
Me: What center is that?
Luke: It's where you just look at books!

It's Friday, Which Means It's Time For....

Thrifty Thursday!  This may or may not have been included in the memo the other day....

As a person that lives the lifestyle of a senior citizen on the fixed income of Social Security, I feel obligated from time to time to let you in on my incredible money saving secrets.

Today's tip:  Whenever you go to the drive-thru at the bank, ask them for a sucker.  If you have kids in the car, ask them to give you as many suckers as there are kids.  Then, do not allow yourself or your children to eat the suckers, but instead, put them into a giant Ziploc bag at your house.  If you start early enough, you will have enough to give out as your Halloween candy. You're welcome.

Stay tuned for my next tip where I share with you how to use the free cookies at Publix to benefit the annual Cub Scout dessert auction.

Today's Elective Reading

Just to start out, I want to properly blog the fact that in 8th grade at Bartow Middle School I somehow did not register for my elective class in time and the only class left to take in the entire school was wood shop.  The universe was obviously playing a hilarious practical joke one me.  But I really had to take it, so I was the ONLY girl in a class full of Bartow's finest male hoodlums and thugs.  Not a single other student actually made anything all year long, but the creepy shop teacher knew that I, being a straight-A student, would need to actually earn a good grade so he gave me the plans to make a small rocking horse, whose feet actually clopped on wood when you rocked it back and forth.  And let me tell you, that horse was probably the most amazing wood craft that had ever been created in wood shop for over two decades.  I gave it to my mom as a present and she was stunned.  My sanding and staining skills were LE-GIT!  I think she still has that horse somewhere...Probably in the shrine she built to my awesomeness.  Anyway, that was also the year I learned how much I love the smell of fresh sawdust.  Yankee Candle, consider yourself challenged.  So to anyone out there in school, don't wait to register for your electives.  Or you just might end up in wood shop.  Or worse...

TOP TEN WORST HIGH SCHOOL ELECTIVES

10.  Scorpion Husbandry
9.  Introduction to Brangelina
8.  Critical  Blinking
7.  History of the Teleprompter  (formerly Student Government, Chicago schools only)
6.  Extremely Uncivil Engineering
5.  Spongebob's Impact on the Russian Economy
4.  Hotel Carpet Theory
3.  Farmville Math
2.  Foundations of Gambling
1.  Sporkology

Meme-ow!

I would like to say that all the memes I am highlighting today have something in common, so I will.  All the memes that I am highlighting today have something in common.  Cats.  I started in another direction completely, but when you search for funny stuff on the Internet, you will always, always, ALWAYS be lead back to cats.  That is basically all the Internet is made of.  Well, cats and tubes.  (Wikipedia, you got my back on this one.)


 **I OWN NOTHING BELOW.  I GOOGLED "FUNNY CAT MEMES" AND THERE THEY WERE....

(There is actually an entire website dedicated to "breading your cat"- tons of pictures of cats with bread on their faces.  Who thinks this stuff up?  Because they are incredible.)

Winner! Just the right mixture of current events and photo shop.

Brace yourselves for this one....

Yes way, Ted.

Memo

Date: August 21, 2012
To: Sweeneyville Readers
Re: Schedule Changes
Cc: All Papa John's Employees


Please note that due to scheduling conflicts, the following changes have been made:  Meme Monday has now been changed to Wednesdays.  Top Ten Tuesday has now been changed to Thursdays.  Wacky Wednesdays will be reinstated on a rotating schedule following the results of a focus group sponsored by Nutella.  Casual Fridays have been moved to Wednesdays from the hours of 3 to 5.  Semi-formal Fridays will be observed only when announced the previous day by carrier pigeon.  All other hilarious features, posts, photos, and polls will remain on their regular, unreliable schedule.

Please note that management has the right to adjust this schedule due to changes in weather, Oreo Cakester production, availability of new episodes of Psych on Netflix, and/or breaking news in English Premier League soccer.

Thank you for your compliance.