The Advent Calendar

Another big Bingham family tradition growing up was the Advent Calendar. Some people have never heard of these, but they are simply some sort of large card with little windows that hide a picture of an object that has to with Christmas. You then open one little window each night until Christmas Eve and try to guess what is behind each one. It seems that when I was younger it was easy to find these cards pretty much anywhere. Now a days I think it is a more obscure Holiday tradition and you have to hunt them down. This year we got one from my mom and we have been guessing every night thus far.


Here is the current score: Cindy- 1, Dad- 0, Mom- 0, and Luke- Huh?

Yes, Cindy is thrilled to be winning, a position she grabbed with her cunning guess of Snowflake on the 3rd. I will say that ours this year has already had two duplicates (??) and it is only the 7th, so it is making it a little more tricky. Also, Cindy LOVES the Calendar, so I highly recommend them to the parents out there. We made it the rule that we always do our card after we read our scriptures. So on the first day we did the card and told Cindy the rule, she asked me if we could read scriptures in the morning the next day. :)

A Christmas Miracle

So the other day Jacob’s parents let us know that one of their TV’s made a loud popping noise and would no longer turn on. Furthermore, they said that because the TV was pretty old, we could have it if we wanted it, but would just have to pay to fix it. We thought this to be a pretty good deal, so we called around to random hole-in-the-wall TV shops and finally found one that said they would diagnose the problem for a mere $20. As always, however, we never have cash on hand and hated the thought of going to the ATM to actually withdraw money from the bank. (In our marriage, the ATM is like the bad part of town after dark, or any restaurant in Bartow; NEVER go there.) But, as I was getting ready to take the TV in, there was a knock at the door. And who should be there, but two Mexicans offering to buy the unsellable bathroom vanity countertop and sink that was still sitting in our yard! We didn’t understand much of what they said, but we did understand the $20 bill they gave us as they loaded it up and drove away. I know, I know, you have heard this story a million times where someone miraculously sells a vanity top to Mexicans to fix their TV. Even I find it a bit contrived, but it truly was a Christmas Miracle that warms my little heart and hopefully yours too. Feliz Navidad!

Mad Skillz + Mad Libs

So I Googled "Christmas Mad Libs" and a website came up where I randomly put in all of the necessary parts of speech and they generate me a nice little spoof of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Thus, using my mad vocabulary skillz- I came up with this:

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the Mesozoic era before Christmas, and all through the wigwam,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a warthog.
The dickeys were hung by the wingback chair with care,
In hopes that St. Beatrice soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their hope chests,
While visions of sugar-cumquats danced in their knuckles.
And step cousin in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the lateral filing cabinet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Smacked open the shutters, and launched up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-bronze age to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a fluent triathlon bike, and eight tiny japanese beetles.

With a little old driver, so lively and sweltering,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Beatrice.
More rapid than mealworms his japanese beetles they came,
And he whistled, and frosted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Wally! Now, Bird Figurine and Vixen!
On, Joe The Plumber! On Marmoset! On, Kilt and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the grey poupon!
Now hoist away! Hoist away! Hoist away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the wingback chair St. Beatrice came with a bound.

His eyes -- how they primed! His dimples, how pre-moistened!
His earlobes were like pinecones, his femur like Pringles!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the dickeys, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his scalp aside of his patella,
And giving a nod, up the wingback chair he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a Heeee-hawwww!!!,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Mesozoic era!"

(http://www.rinkworks.com/crazylibs/c/c11.shtml if you would like to do your own...)

Elder Bingham- Before he was Famous

I am sure you all lost sleep over the long wait it has been until this moment, when, as promised, I give you the worst picture of Brian you ever saw. Drum roll, please....


Okay, maybe I oversold it just a tad, but Brian secretly plots every year to steal this photo and destroy it in a secret midnight ceremony in the backyard. He HATES this picture. Why, you may ask? The hair, maybe? The teeth, maybe? The ridiculous expression on his face, maybe? He always gets mad at Mom and demands to know why she let him leave the house looking like a homeless redneck. I am not sure how old he was, but he was at Highland City Elementary and this ornament was some school creation brought home to please the mother figure. As a mother myself now, I totally get why Mom insisted on saving all the weird pictures of us that adorned the tree. (So we can make fun of you online years and years later- duh!) Anyway, thanks Brian for taking one for the team today! You made many people smile (and completely amazed at how you could turn out to be such a stud;)

The Strange World of Bingham Family Ornaments

Day #3-
(Some of my readers are requesting my posts be placed first thing in the morning, I will do my best to comply. I don't want to upset my throng of fans.)

Ornament Spotlight Time!
So as I was sort of helping my mom and dad decorate the Christmas tree while at their house for Thanksgiving, I remembered some of the more “classic” Bingham family ornaments that are on that tree. Let me share one with you now (As I light my pipe and adjust my ascot...)


As you can see, there are actually two ornaments here that go together. It is supposed to be two kittens, one with a decorated cookie and one with a giant tube of red frosting- thus, you put them in proximity of one another and they look like they are making a cute little Christmas cookie together. However, ever since I can remember, my dad sees this ornament and always asks, “Why do we have a cat holding a bloody syringe on the Christmas tree? That makes no sense.” To which my Mom inevitably replies, “Miiiiike! That is not a bloody syringe! Ewwww!, That is frosting!” Dad just loves to torment her :) -another family tradition. But I must say that he has a point, I mean, it does have a slight creepiness factor- Hallmark or not, especially when the kitten with the cookie is no where in sight.

Tune in tomorrow where I show the worst picture of my brother Brian you ever saw. Yes, it is on the Christmas tree and yes, he would die if he knew I was showing it to everyone. Sucks to be in Spain, bro...

Pardon The Interruption, but....

TODAY IS MY 100TH BLOG POST! Yahoo!! Hopefully all of your gifts celebrating this momentus occasion will get here in time. However, while I wait for those to arrive, Jacob and I have been working on something special for both of my readers. Therefore, in keeping with my 25 Days of Christmas theme, I give you the gift of (hopefully) laughter and utter silliness. (See?! Even old white haired ladies read the blog AND celebrate with me. I love being an internet celebrity!)

Oh, and ***very important*** Please comment on the post and tell me your favorite number on this list. Oh, okay, your favorite two or three- if you must. Or randomly pick one if you don't like a dang thing on there- just humor me, people! It's a friendly competition between Jacob and I :)

TOP 100 POSTS I HOPE YOU NEVER SEE ON MY BLOG

1. Top 1000 posts I hope you never see on my blog
2. I’m pregnant!
3. The day I learned Richard Simmons is my real father
4. Why we’re selling our house and moving to Honduras
5. How we know that Cindy actually hates Disney Princesses
6. So Jacob fell in the septic tank the other day…
7. My secret trip to Regis Philbin’s boyhood home
8. The Utes win again!
9. The Amazing dedication of Jacob’s Soccer team
10. I can’t believe I said “urinal“ from the pulpit
11. Twilight books? I read them all!
12. Welfare Fraud for dummies
13. Check out the latest tattoo
14. The Most Amazing Recipe for Sangria
15. “He’s dead, Jim.”
16. I love Tax Season!
17. So I have decided to pick up metallurgy as a hobby
18. The media provides very fair coverage- and I can prove it
19. Announcing the new name of my blog: Nacho Blogre
20. My time at Star Trek Convention 2009
21. A photo tour of our new bomb shelter
22. Our tree fell over!
23. My 22 hours in the ER
24. Never mind, I now love talking on the phone!
25. My vine is………dead
26. “More Please”
27. ‘Pimped’ my ride, now I have 22’s
28. Cindy’s first date
29. I am so excited about the Britney Spears concert!
30. Snakes are actually sooo cute!
31. Luke’s favorite Ballerina
32. The Big Foot Convention was such a let down
33. Giving up chocolate was the best thing I ever did
34. Yoshi’s Pregnant!
35. Joe the Plumber's pregnant!
36. Turns out that Prison is not too bad!
37. I’m really regretting not voting Democrat
38. My weekly recap of Dancing with the Stars
39. The young women are plotting to kill me!
40. If I could live anywhere, it would be the Pepperidge Farm
41. Eat, Sleep, Karaoke
42. A homeless man was living in my shed!
43. I think I want to manage apartments for a living
44. The time machine I bought on craigslist
45. Does anyone know how to kill a live chicken?
46. I’m going back to school- Clown School!
47. Sold the Honda, got the collectible poodle plate
48. My carbon footprint is just too big
49. I need a small loan to pay my bookie
50. Rosie’s new show? LOVE IT!
51. So I guess the cat has been peeing in the garden
52. I finished my screenplay, “American Wookie”
53. Online shopping sucks compared to actual shopping
54. Where my American Idol audition went wrong
55. How Rosa disappeared, but then reappeared in the top hat in my closet
56. Apparently top ten lists give me a rash
57. I had a feeling my parachute wasn’t going to open…
58. Introducing our New family restaurant, “Squidruckers”
59. The day Cindy stole the truck
60. Bagged my first 5 point buck!
61. I’ve joined the Navy!
62. Oh, Cable I have missed you!
63. I can’t think of anything to blog about
64. Rabbits can chew through concrete- who knew?
65. I’ll do anything for tickets to the Oprah show
66. Christmas: Out Festivus: In
67. The easiest pipe bomb you’ll ever make
68. The UPS guy is actually the UPS Girl
69. Please let Cindy get accepted to the U, please….
70. Only 4 more years til Jacob’s a dentist!
71. I’m giving up Facebook forever!
72. If it’s not Plavix, Crestor, Caduet or Singulair- what is right for me?
73. Warning: Never play tag with the kids near the freeway
74. I have such a sense of community
75. Not a lot of perks to being a hermit
76. One way streets really do mean one way
77. “Una Paloma Blanca” is my new favorite song- hands down
78. I’m calling ITT Tech today
79. Should I get harpsichord lessons or piccolo lessons?
80. My phone call from jail
81. Peter Faulk came by- AGAIN
82. My new gay neighbors
83. I played World of Warcraft for 27 hours: no effect
84. Moving back to Utah!
85. I’m kinda starting to like DJing dances
86. Chapter 11 is no big deal
87. 20 pounds of cake mix makes one BIG cake!
88. I love the BCS
89. My secret life as a Canadian census taker
90. The Office has jumped the shark!
91. Apparently Choctaw is a completely fake Indian tribe
92. The Simpsons entering its 35th season??!!
93. Jacob’s first week as a general authority
94. Those new meat-flavored Skittles are terribly average
95. What I learned during my alien abduction last night
96. President Hilton picked a great cabinet
97. Hawaii- you’ve seen the last of me!
98. Just because you can steal your neighbor’s electricity, doesn’t mean you should
99. Why we’re leaving all our money to the cricket living under the workbench
100. The new Star Trek movie is Lame!

THE 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Okay, okay, I am trying to decide whether or not it is even possible for me to blog 25 days in a row. I would like to think I have enough rambling, mindless drivel to put on here for over three straight weeks, but who knows? I think I am at least going to give it the old college try. So check back in every day and see #1 whether I can blog for 25 straight days and #2 random treats for you to enjoy each day leading up to Christmas. Think of this as your virtual Advent Calendar. So without further ado........

DAY 1-
Sunday was spent putting up the Christmas tree. I learned from this experience that it is pretty much next to impossible to tell Cindy about a any future event that is not happening IMMEDIATELY. I made the mistake of telling her on Saturday that we would put the tree up on Sunday and for 24 hours I got to answer the question "Are we putting up the tree now?" Aye carumba! But, finally, after switching the color of the lights on the tree three times and taping it to the top of my filing cabinet to keep it out of Luke's grasp, we were able to put the decorations on. Always a good time remembering the events that correspond with the ornaments. (You will be seeing some of the ornaments in question over the next three weeks on the blog. Did I hear you say, "Oh, goodie!" I bet I did!) I also hung the stockings today (on a very high door frame to, once again, elude Luke's grabby little hands) AND put some lights outside amongst the grounds and shrubbery. Ole! So get out your Santa face spoon rest, your Merry Chris-Moose figurines, your knitted "Santa Loves Cats Too" stocking and let the festivities begin! Or as Cindy sings "Deck the halls in shranky holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la." I don't get it either, but it is still hilarious to hear.

Thanky Thanky Bo Banky

I hope that everyone out there in cyberland had a good Thanksgiving. We spent it with my Mom and Dad and my brother and his family. It was a very nice, relaxing day. Way too much food, way too much sugar, some games, more food, dozing off a couple of times and taking home some awesome leftovers.


So, you may be asking yourself, "I wonder if Jessica did any shopping on Black Friday?" The answer is a resounding "Sort of." I had perused the ads of the Thanksgiving Day newspaper (which I am positivie weighed more than the turkey we ate) and only found two things of any interest to me. One was a singing Barbie doll that Cindy really had wanted ($9.99- Ro from Barbie as the Island Princess) and then a train table for Luke that I was watching out for as a gift for his birthday in April. I woke up pretty early anyway this morning, as the Zicam throat spray I have been using for 3 nights in a row suddenly did not work anymore. I think I have become immune from overusage :( But I decided to head down to Bealls at about 7:30am before the kids woke up- a whopping 3 and a half hours after it opened- and, surprisingly, the store was still standing! I even called my mom and she joined me for a little while. Plenty of elbow room, the line evened moved pretty fast, so overall a pleasant experience for what is supposed to be a crazy day for shopping. I did the get the Barbie doll, but since it is not the one she wants for Christmas, I will stash her away until her Birthday in March. The train table turned out to be a total bust because of the myriad of horrible reviews it got online at toysrus.com. Which is fine by me, it gives me over four months to find one on my local craigslist for about half the price.

Anyhow, Thanksgiving does give me time to reflect on all the things I have to be thankful for and not surprisingly, most of them are not "things" at all. They are my parents, both sets :) and the fact that I get to live here so close to both of them. My siblings and their wonderful spouses and families. Uncle Brian and Uncle Sean for serving missions and being great examples to my kids. Jacob and my two adorable children. The Gospel, my testimony, and of course not to mention my amazing friends that humor me and my quasi-talent for turning my boring life into a somewhat entertaining blog that people voluntarily read. That last one still really blows my mind... ;)

Rice again?

When Jacob and I got married, we received a rice cooker as one of our gifts. I thought this was a peculiar contraption, I mean, didn't we all already have rice cookers in our kitchen? Weren't they just called saucepans? My mom never had a rice cooker, so I just thought it was weird that they would make an entire appliance dedicated to only cooking rice. Well, now that I have used that rice cooker for over 7 years to make tons of rice, and now that as of last week my rice cooker bit the dust and I have been forced to revert to the saucepan method, I can honestly say, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY, GIVE ME BACK MY RICE COOKER!!!" I have unsuccessfully attempted to make rice twice without it and both times have produced a very crunchy, disgusting mass of starch. Luckily one of those times it was for the missionaries (for which I apologized profusely, I don't even want to know if they ate it). So what is the deal with rice, anyway? I mean, in the rice cooker it is equal parts water and rice and press the button. I thought that was the same way in the saucepan, but apparently not. I don't even have the bag to instruct me, as all my rice is from the storehouse and has been dumped into a tupperware container in my pantry. The moral of the story: one trick pony appliances are amazing! I am currently working on acquiring the mini frying pan that lets you fry one egg at a time (how did they acquire this technology so soon???) and the As Seen on TV Mushroom Xpress. Yeah, Google it and tell me you don't want one too, okay?

A Favorite Quote

Real fast.....I was listening to Rush Limbaugh today, as I always do on my way home from picking Cindy up from preschool, and he said something that totally made me laugh. Well, let's be honest, he says many, many things that make me laugh every day (calling Barack Obama "Barry" is a personal favorite), but today in particular he had a little gem that I could not stop repeating, mostly because it is so dang true.
So here it is:

"Politics is Show Biz for the Ugly."

I love it. :)