Tuesday, July 7, 2015

My Official Review of Jurassic World

Since I kinda sorta remember seeing the original movie Jurassic Park, I thought that Jacob and I should go see Jurassic World.  I mean, this movie made $500 million on opening weekend so we pretty much had to go and see what the fuss was all about. And now I can safely say, I am not exactly sure what the fuss was all about....


Super. slow. start. Just start eating people already!
Screenplay was horrible
Aunt Claire was horrible
Her ugly white dress was horrible
The fact that Owen liked her at all was horrible
HER HIGH HEELS WERE HORRIBLE  (Hey, you know how you can run faster in a fashionable pump? Umm, no...)
Vincent D'Onfrio turns out to be a creepy bad guy??!  No. Way.
The Indominus Rex is part raptor??!  No. Way.
The mission control guy tried so hard to be the comic relief character but it just failed miserably
The whole 'military' angle of training raptors for battle was........a little out there and obviously inserted by the anti-military Hollywood crowd
The ending was ridiculous on so many levels.  ("Why, thank you T-Rex for coming out and trying to eat only the one thing we hoped you might.  And thanks for running slow and ignoring everyone else because you somehow knew we needed your help.  You're swell!")
The biggest takeaway:  Pterodactyls ruin everything.


Chris Pratt looks great in zookeeper attire
You came to see guys get eaten, and dangit, you got to see guys get eaten! (eventually)
The older brother looks just like a young Sean Astin in Goonies
I did love the part where mission control guy tried to kiss mission control girl and she completely denied him
They did use a lot of the original music from Jurassic Park, which I love
Used a gift card to buy the tickets (cha-ching!)
Got to see a new Minion trailer
The movie got out at 4pm, which was perfect timing to get a half priced Nutella shake at Stake 'n Shake

I would have to give this movie 2.5 out of 5 stars.  It was entertaining, yes, but as Jacob and I discussed, there are only so many things a director can ask the audience to accept even though they are completely impossible.  This movie just had way too many of those impossibilities.  Minus four thousand points for Bryce Dallas Howard's awful red hair and a bonus 18 points for the fact that everyone in movies always drives a vintage motorcycle with giant headlight on the front.

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