The Hitchhikers Guide to The Lunchroom

Just in case it has been a long time since you ate food in a school cafeteria, I am here to give you the heads up on how things work in there now a days.  My 55 minutes per day of observing child lunchroom behavior allows me to save you the embarrassment the next time you show up to eat with your child at school.  I mean, you wouldn't want to pick up an apple and just take a regular bite like a moron, would you?  I didn't think so.  When in Rome, people.

How to Eat....

1.  A whole orange:  Mangle the entire fruit to shreds trying to open it, then take half the orange and squeeze the juice out into one of the empty foam compartments in your lunch tray.  Suck up the juice with a straw.  Throw the other half of the orange in the garbage.

2.  Pizza:  Pull the entire cheese topping off in one single, slimy sheet.  Roll up said cheese layer into a big cheese cigar.  Eat cigar, then throw the rest of the pizza in the garbage.  

3.  A corn dog: (There are MULTIPLE options with this one, this is just one suggestion) First, take the corn dog off of the stick.  Next, remove the outer corn dog jacket and break it up in to small pieces.  Eat the hot dog with lots of ketchup and airplane noises.  Finally, take the corn dog jacket scraps and mash them up into one giant ball.  Place the whole ball in your mouth and then torment your neighbor with the remaining stick. Throw the rest of your food in the garbage. 

4.  Grapes (or grape tomatoes):  Place cup of grapes on your tray.  Walk to your seat with said tray. Look back at your friend who is walking behind you and miss the table when you go to set your tray on it.  Enjoy the superior rolling motion of grapes as they scatter in all directions.  Ask the lunch lady for replacement grapes. Repeat process.  

5.  Pringles- Open the small container.  Take pointer finger and insert into the stack of chips and poke them repeatedly until they all break into pieces the size of confetti.  Accidentally knock the container over with your elbow.  Wait until the fifth time of being told to pick it up to place in garbage.

6.  Chicken drummies- Hold chicken by the bone.  Squeeze ketchup all over the drummie and eat it, making sure to get ketchup on both cheeks and forehead.  Throw the rest of your food in the garbage.  

7.  Chocolate chocolate chip muffin-  Struggle for 4 minutes trying to open the muffin.  Once a cafeteria worker has opened it for you, proceed to crumble up the entire muffin until it looks like a pile of ground beef.  Eat with spork.  Throw the rest of your food in the garbage.

8.  Vegetables: (this includes broccoli, corn, baked beans, carrots, succotash, sweet potatoes, red peppers, cauliflower, salad, tomatoes, cucumbers, peas, and/or brussel sprouts) -  Take from lunch lady and place directly in garbage.

9.  Pulled pork-  Use spork to "frost" the pile of pork with a healthy coating of butter.  Eat with a look that says, "That's not as good as I thought it would be."  Throw the rest of the pork in the garbage.

10.  Chocolate milk-  Struggle unsuccessfully to open the milk container and finally get so upset that you rip it open all the way down to the milk level.  Pour directly in lap.  

11.  On-the-go juice powders:  Open the packet poorly, so as to make the powder come out both sides of the opening.  Tilt the opened packet upside down one inch to the left of the opening of the water bottle, making sure that none of the powder gets inside the water bottle, but that all of it lands on the table, your shirt and your face.  Wait until given a wet paper towel to clean it up for the real magic to happen. Throw everything within a 20 foot radius in the garbage.