Sweeney's Law, Volume 1

1. If a beverage is within 6 feet of Luke, he will find way to spill it.

2. If you make yourself one sandwich, Cindy will want it. If you go ahead and pre-emptively make two, she doesn't want either.

3. Cindy will have a bad dream at the exact moment you find the absolute best sleeping position.

4. Luke will then have a bad dream at the exact moment you get back to sleep after helping Cindy with her bad dream.

5. The minute I talk to another human, praising Cindy and Luke for some amazing behavior they exhibit, they will immediately discontinue said behavior for the rest of their lives.



6. If I finally get up the gumption to secretly throw away one of Cindy or Luke's annoying toys, they will suddenly become responsible children and need to throw something in the garbage 10 seconds later. And they will see their toy in the trash. And worse, the toy will live to torment me another day (or week, or month, or year as the case may be...)

7. If I plant a seed in my garden at the correct depth, with the correct soil and correct fertilizer, it will barely sprout. If Cindy's plants a sunflower in the middle of a shaded pile of cat sand, we will get a giant sunflower.

8. The only time Luke will decide to actually listen to me and go number two in the toilet (and not in his diaper) is at the exact moment my food arrives at a restaurant.

9. If I bring my video camera to Cindy's soccer game, she will play like she's blind and has one leg. If I don't bring the camera, she will score a hat trick in the first half.

10. If Luke had only one toy to play with in the entire world, he would leave it out on the floor, I would step on it in the middle of the night, and it would be a small, pointy hazard cone from his construction set.