Chapter Two

Chapter Two: The JennyEllen Has Landed


Summary


The now-fiance of Dave, a Ms. JennyEllen Reynolds of Virginia, arrived on Christmas Eve morning, immediately wooing us all with one dozen cupcakes from the world-famous Georgetown Cupcake in Washington DC. Over the next 4 days she would demonstrate to everyone her beauty, great sense of humor, warmth and talent for choosing the perfect gifts (she got me Grumpy Cat stuffs!) Which lead us to have her DNA tested to prove that she was not already, in fact, a Bingham. Happily, she was not, so now she can be.

Commentary
Cindy has seen every episode available on Netflix of "DC Cupcake", which is the reality show chronicling the day to day adventures of Georgetown Cupcake, so when JennyEllen brought her some of the famous treats, well, she immediately sealed her fate as one of Cindy's favorite people of all time.  All of us had talked to JennyEllen over Facebook, texts or Skype, but this was the first time to meet her in person.  She is a catch.  Marry her, Dave. Marry her now!

Oh, Jacob. Sigh.

Glossary

'Roger that'- phrase used by cool people and also a totally hip shirt worn by even cooler people (given to them by the coolest of people)

Times Out

Before I go on with Chapter Two, I need to pause to acknowledge the fact that I did make my goal of running/biking/blading 500 miles in 2014.  I officially ended with about 515 miles total, most of which were simply running.  And look who is here to congratulate me, why, it is Grumpy Cat herself!

Thanks, Grumpster :)  I started running at least twice a week at 6am back in June and I am proud to say that I did not miss one time on account of weather, sickness or just plain laziness.  In fact, the only time in six months I just flat out could not run was this past week when, sadly, I was struck down with Intestinal Plague. So young! So much life ahead of me! Fitness goals for 2015 you may ask?  Yet to be determined, but I'm pretty sure it's going to have to something to do with finally switching from ice cream to gelato when topping my waffles every Friday morning.  #tinywins

Christmas 2014: Chapter One

Remember in high school buying Cliffs Notes so you could completely skip having to read long, boring novels that didn't interest you? Actually, probably not since you continue to read this blog, which is full of long, boring posts that don't interest you. Anywho...

In order to speed things along in my attempt to backblog the last two weeks around here, I proudly present:

Thank you, Sean

(Reasons why I have not blogged in over a week will be explained in Chapters 4 and 5.  

Do not let the fact that there are a Chapter 4 and 5 disappoint/scare/vex and or dishearten you. )  

Chapter One

Summary

Two days before Christmas, Luke and Cindy had their very first piano recital. As Cindy had not really been fond of her piano lessons, I was hoping that she would find the spotlight exhilarating and inspiring.  That dream seemed unfulfilled. Luke on the other hand, had to play three piano pieces instead of just two like each of the other 9 children, on account of his giant, heart-melting eyeballs. Each child played magnificently and had obviously learned their pieces well.  Finally, by a great stroke of luck, all of Cindy and Luke's Bingham-side family were in attendance, AND their Grandma Sweeney even watched live via Face Time from the mission home in Scottsdale.   

Commentary

Cindy seemed nervous, Luke was excited.  I was just happy that each of them had learned enough to play a song with two hands, but continue to feel excruciatingly guilty for only video recording Luke and taking no other pictures because I was trying to live in the moment.  What kind of life advice is that anyway?  Having DeAnne there to watch was an extra treat that made the distance between us all seem non-existant.  Chris' family drove all the way from Riverview just to watch the recital, which helped Cindy feel more pride in her talent, as she does like to impress and get the approval of her cousins Sadie and Ana. The post-recital treats were delicious and were the official start of a glorious, uninterrupted, two week caloric disaster.  Dave's beard was also in attendance.

Exhibit A

Glossary

"waiting for the flood"- apparently what Luke is doing every time he wears those church pants

chicken wing- placing your hand on your hip when taking photos, something I know nothing about

photobomb of the Divine- see exhibit A

Dang, we look great

Around the World in 11 and 1/2 Hours

Blogging for a second time this week already? What??  Since I publish my blog books by the year, I am hustling to get some of this stuff in before the end of 2014.  So guess who is about to tell you all about going to Epcot with Luke?  Frank Gifford. I know, totally weird, right?  Okay, not Frank Gifford, it's me.  I will tell you about it.  I went as a chaperon for Luke's 2nd grade field trip to Epcot, which was technically supposed to be a tie-in to their "Christmas Around the World" unit that they do in school.  However, after going around all the countries at Epcot twice and seeing a total of 3 other McKeel Academy students from a total of 12 second grade classes, I am pretty sure we were some of the only people actually attempting to make this day educational.

I have taken the following sub-optimal pictures that I think really convey all we saw and did:


Let's see, we had a brilliant time in England.  We even found the shop that sells every Premier League jersey imaginable. Oh, except ones for Liverpool.  The cheeky shopkeeper told us that because of licensing agreements Disney cannot sell that one.  Rubbish, I tell you!  This Manchester United jersey is for you, Reza!

A lion danced in China...

And Luke discovered that he is the Dragon Warrior.

Luke was obsessed with the model trains that were outside of Germany.  Or was it Norway.  Italy?

There was one drummer drumming at the African outpost...

We ate school bread in Norway...

And Luke got to hit the pinata in Mexico.  Ole!

I did manage to find a person to take a picture of me and the Lukester together.  She took a while to take the picture and never gave me a countdown, so my face was getting tired.  Luke, buddy, you nailed it.

There are only about four actual rides at Epcot, and at the end of the day Luke declared his favorite to be Spaceship Earth (the ride in the giant ball).  Seriously?

A slow moving ride that tells us all about the history of communication?
Gimme, gimme, I need, I NEED!

All I can think of when I ride this ride is the Simpsons episode where they go to Epcot and Lisa describes the "World of Tomorrow" ride (i.e. Spaceship Earth) as "what the people in 1965 thought the world would be like in 1987." Pretty much.  


At the beginning of the ride they take your picture and then at the end of the ride they put it into a little movie about your future.  The first time Luke was so excited he couldn't stand himself.

The second time he did WAY better.

The best part of Spaceship Earth (wait, did I just say there is a "best" part to that ride? And it wasn't getting off at the end?)  was when the car moves past the scene depicting the burning embers of Rome. It even has its own burning scent for the full effect.  The first time we went by that part, Luke furrowed his brow and said, "Something smells like steak sauce." Rome was very saucy, apparently.  

We did manage to get FastPasses to Test Track at the end of the day, which allowed us to ride this two times in a row because of a short wait time anyway.  The last time I rode this I remember it being completely lame. However, major upgrades have been made and I can now give it my full recommendation.  Luke loved designing his car, but apparently going 65mph outside on a brisk night was not as enjoyable to him as it was to me.  

The Finding Nemo ride was very average, but Luke is the most happy go lucky kid ever, so he thought it was just fine.

Other highlights of the day included walking through an almost entirely empty Morocco, drinking honeydew-flavored Coke, hearing the Voices of Liberty a capella group (AMAZING), going in only one gift shop, very incredible fireworks with a truly awe-inspiring grand finale and also enduring only a 45 minute wait to ride on Soarin'.  Luke really loved it and since I only get a little motion sick on that ride, I had fun too.

And, finally, I also ate this Cronut :)

Upgrade!

Ha ha, you thought this blog had jumped the shark and been abandoned! Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I am still quite alive and ready for some bloggin'! We went to our annual Christmas white elephant gift party last night.  I feel that Jacob and I seem to do incredibly well every single year.  However, I voiced this opinion out loud at dinner tonight and he completely disagreed with me.  For some reason he and I don't seem to feel the same way about Buddha Frog and the decorative Troll plate.  He's crazy, of course, but there is no argument that this year we went through a minefield and came out like a decorated war hero.

We took a framed 5 X 7 of this:

link

And came home with this:

A one pound Snickers bar. 2,360 glorious calories. Which is exactly what my house needs.

I mean, I haven't had chocolate in over 11 minutes, so this bad boy is going to help me survive the next six hours.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, Night!

Luke had a pretty big night last night at our ward Christmas party.  First, he let us do this to him:

Well, it's only 12/13/14 once, so go big or go home, that's what Luke always says.  

And secondly, he got to talk to Santa for the very first time in his entire life.  He waited through the long line to make sure to ask for Earth to Echo, a soccer goal and Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare on the Xbox.  Santa has a good feeling about the last two, but he's just not feeling that first one.

Five Things I Learned This Week

1.  The next time I have to work on a Monday is the day I will submit my resignation.
2.  Cindy already knows what she is going to say if she is the first person to walk on Mars. (Well, you just never know, am I right?)
3.  Jacob plays it cool like he doesn't really care about the advent calendar, but deep down he wants to destroy us all.
4.  Luke does not want to play in that basketball league after all. Surprise!
5.  I cannot (and will not) resist vanilla Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes.

Please put this in my stocking

Four Down, Infinity to Go

Seeing as how I have just a little less than two months before Spring soccer starts, I thought I should probably get these last soccer pictures up on the blog before they are lost forever.  Did I mention my kids are registered for a short basketball league during that time off?  I am insane.  It's almost like I want to live in my car.

See you in seven weeks, soccer!

You Thought I Forgot, Didn't You Squidward?

Never fear!  Even though it is already December 4th, I have finally finished compiling pictures of the strange donations from this year's Polk County Thanksgiving Food Drive.  A little late, but worth the wait.  Without further ado...

Up first is this unassuming box of Tuna Helper.  I myself am a fan.  I grew up eating Tuna Helper. (No comments from the peanut gallery, please).  

But as it turns out, this box was only good until March.  OF 2006!!  That means that this helper expired almost 9 years ago, which means that it was probably made about 10 to 11 YEARS AGO!!! (Just for the record, in 2006, George Bush was president, The Nintendo Wii came out and Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth for most home runs).  So in other words, this Helper is PO.  Pre-Obama.  Tell me about the good times, Helper! Sniff, sniff!

Now, I actually Googled "eat expired Tuna Helper" and found an online forum where a man was asking "Should I eat Tuna Helper that is 42 months past the code date?" (As if that is even a question.) And because we all know that the best part of anything on the Internet is the comments section, here are the best replies to that query:

"It's not real food, do it."

"No you wont die...that's a best buy date not a death by date."

"It's not like it will taste worse."

"People actually eat tuna helper even if it isn't passed it's due date?"

"I have eaten 7 year old chicken from my freezer before and i lived."

"Tuna Helper is perishable?"

"I only eat fresh picked, locally sourced Tuna Helper from my local farmer's co-op."

"You can eat the 2007 Tuna Helper, but I prefer the rather more subtle, reserved and quietly elegant 2004, a vintage that is likely to remain ever under-rated, thanks to that which followed. IMO, the 2005 vintage is, without any doubt in my mind, one of the greatest Tuna Helper vintages of recent decades."

So it's vintage??  Joke's on us. Suckers!  (And I may or may not have been the writer of the chicken comment.)

And speaking of expiration dates, pay no attention to the bottom of this Grits container.  It is absolutely NOT past the best by date.  

This year's award for "I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be" goes to...this! 

Can of....something!

I know it has fiber, protein, probiotics and possibly Scurvy

You know what goes good with Thanksgiving dinner?  Grilled Parisian mini toasts.  I know, I know, I took the words right out of your mouth.  I mean, your bouche.

Here we have box of vegetarian burger mix.  Right now you are thinking, "That probably sucks!" But I did a little research and right on the front of the box it clearly says it is "Fantastic" so you are WAY off.  

Is anyone else disturbed by the brand name "ABC" on food? Horrible marketing mistake in my opinion.  Oh wait, that's not the official name, that was just actually describing what was in the jar! I get it! Never mind.  

Okay, every year people donate pet food.  No big deal.  It's actually an item that goes pretty quick when the families that come in are allowed to choose extras from the "shopping table".  But this year I am thinking that this food was not actually meant for a house cat.  Picture of mountain lion on the front: check.  Made of "roasted venison and smoked salmon:" check.  Grain free: check. Described as "Rocky Mountain feline formula:" check.  Umm, I'm pretty sure no one around here is feeding an actual Rocky Mountain feline.  Unless you count that huge Puma that strolls my neighborhood right around New Year's...

"Does this Food Drive help less fortunate elves?"

"Yes, it does."

"Perfect, I will donate that coffee I have been saving..."

This year's award for "Oh, I thought this was the garbage" or "In case you ever find that food you're looking for, here is some relish to go with it" goes to this little guy right here:

I got hungry on the way to the box. Sorry.  

If a group of little kids didn't put every single one of these in their mouth's at the same time and make a giant gum cud, I will be so disappointed.

Finally, here is the most unique and exotic item we received:  

Some digging around the internet shows that these little guys:

a. go for about 6 bucks a can

b. "Make an excellent stocking stuffer"

c.  taste like cat food according to one Amazon reviewer 

d.  will make you the most popular host in town, and finally

e.  prove that whenever I see a lobster, I can't not think of these and how bad I want them.  Please send a pair to the Sweeneyville home box office at PO Box 4421, Sewickley, PA 15143.

A Luke Quickie

The other day I showed Cindy how to start her own laundry.  Apparently she liked pouring the liquid detergent in the machine and turning the buttons because in the car yesterday she told me that she had put more clothes in the washer.  I was surprised by her initiative and Cindy smiled and said, "I guess I just really like doing laundry!"  And then from the backseat Luke said, "Well, you would have made a great Pilgrim." Cindy and I started laughing and Luke replied, "What? Pilgrims washed a lot of clothes."  Yes. Yes they did.  But I can assure you without reservation that Cindy most certainly would NOT have made a great Pilgrim.