Oldies but Goodies

Let me now share with you a few more ornaments that have stood the test of time. These three are ones that I have on my own tree thanks to my Mom giving me my ornament collection when I got married. That is kind of the accepted Bingham right of passage- getting your ornaments when you get married... Yeah, we're goofy like that.

This one only has "Jessica '79" written on the bottom, making it the oldest one I have. Girl angel on a sleigh with an unpainted present in the back. I am highly amused by the legs up in the air. I guess this was an action shot type of ornament, where she is in motion coming down a hill or something. Even though the right side of the sleigh has broken off, it is still going strong every Christmas.


The one-eared Mouse: Simply marked "J- '80" on the bottom. Don't know anything about this other than I put her up every year and she is very old. The sentimentality is killing you, isn't it? Apparently wood painted ornaments were very 'in' back then.


This one really is my favorite ornament from yesteryear. It is the construction paper angel, complete with cottonball face. I am sure I made this in Nursery. It only says "Jessica 1981" on the back. I think I like it most because the red mouth is coming off of the cottonball but is still attached. Also, it has no hair- so maybe it was really a tribute to my dad. :)


You know, as I look at these pictures and reflect on them, I have realized something important. I should be a hand model! Seriously, is there money in that? Then I could wear gloves all the time and not do dishes anymore! I really have to explore this idea...

Get out your Needles!

Alright, now that I have equipped you with the most awesomely bad Christmas music ever (see yesterday's post, por favor), I now must give you the most awesomely bad Christmas apparel- that being the Christmas Sweater. We've all seen 'em, we all secretly want one, and now here is your chance to design one. Please go here and create a horrific masterpiece. You can pick your color, your cut, and all the crazy accoutrements to make a sweater that, in the end, should never have been born.
Feel free to email it to me!- I will put the winner on the blog for all to see. The other great part about this website ("We Hate Sheep, We Love Sweaters"- I am not making this up) is the 'Window Shopping' feature that lets your browse some of the worst sweaters that people have ever created on the site. Some of them are truly horrendous. Again, for maximum amusement, visit late at night when things are inherently funnier for no apparent reason. I, myself, was busy knitting for hours last night and if you want to see my creation, first get some sort of paper bag that you can gag into, and then click here.

In all reality, I love Holiday sweaters. I mean, wouldn't my family look adorable in something like this? Wait, I can hear Jacob throwing himself off a building even as I type this....

And in case you were wondering.....I had to remove the "Useless Knowledge" gadget from the side of my blog as a matter of principle. The other day when I signed in to edit it, it was displaying the following 'knowledge' :
"The male sea lion may have more than 100 wives in its lifetime, which is more than many Mormons."
Not cool, gadget...not cool....

A Joyful.....Noise?

Every year I wait for the return of the Christmas music on the radio. More specifically, the return of the Pop Christmas music, so I can turn off the radio and not turn it on again until about January 10th. I have compiled for you a short (and probably predictable list) of the worst Christmas Songs on the radio:

1. Last Christmas- Wham! (Oh, the humanity!!)
2. Come home for Christmas- The Eagles, I can't take the grit of this version
3. Wonderful Christmastime- Paul McCartney (He was a Beatle, yet capable of THIS??)
4. Happy Christmas (War is Over) -John Lennon (Again, a Beatle made this???)
5. The Christmas Shoes- some guy (this is just so over the top, It makes me barf)
6. Santa Baby- Madonna (Kill me! I hate Madonna anyway, but this seals the deal)
7. Baby it’s cold outside- any version (Too much talking, too many voices, too stupid)

And while we are on the topic of horrible Christmas music, let me introduce you to something called “The Star Wars Christmas Album”- Yes, you read that correctly. Not a typo! I stumbled across this album’s existence last year when searching for a horribly bad Christmas album to bring to as a white elephant gift to a Christmas party. Unfortunately, the Star Wars album is like $80 on eBay, while William Hung (of American Idol Fame) had his Christmas album on eBay for a mere $3. (Sadly, that is WAY too much to pay for his. I still have a copy of it burned to my computer, and track 9, entitled “Greeting: Hopes and Dreams/We are the Champions” is always such a good pick me up when I am feeling down. But I digress…) Back to Star Wars!

Please go to this link: http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/starwars-xmas/ ,ignore the ridiculous picture of Bon Jovi (yes, he is part of the album. I know, right?!?!?!?), and click on the link right below his picture and you can then play each of the songs in the album in their entirety on Windows Media Player. (***WARNING: I do not condone reading the blog itself on this page! Just the fact that it lets you listen to the songs.) Oh, they are just so awful, I am not sure if you can even make it through more than one or two. But if I had to pick one, I would say that the song, "What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?" is a classic. Anyway, you get the idea. Hunt around thru those and give thanks that none of them are ever on the radio. And if you want it to be really funny, make sure it is after midnight and you will be crying (like I was the first time I heard it.)

On a different note- (Note? Get it? I kill me!) Here are three of my "Guilty Pleasure" Holiday songs. I actually look forward to hearing these for the first time on the radio each year...because I know you are all dying to know this:

1. All I Want for Christmas is You- Mariah Carey, Despite the fact she is my arch enemy in so many ways, I hate to admite I really like this song every year.
2. Sleigh Ride- The Ronettes, This girl group got it so right! Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding!
3. Little Saint Nick- The Beach Boys, Maybe it is because I live in Florida, but this song makes it feel okay that Christmas is in 80 degree weather. Plus, they call Santa a cool "cat"- where else can you get that??

The Advent Calendar

Another big Bingham family tradition growing up was the Advent Calendar. Some people have never heard of these, but they are simply some sort of large card with little windows that hide a picture of an object that has to with Christmas. You then open one little window each night until Christmas Eve and try to guess what is behind each one. It seems that when I was younger it was easy to find these cards pretty much anywhere. Now a days I think it is a more obscure Holiday tradition and you have to hunt them down. This year we got one from my mom and we have been guessing every night thus far.


Here is the current score: Cindy- 1, Dad- 0, Mom- 0, and Luke- Huh?

Yes, Cindy is thrilled to be winning, a position she grabbed with her cunning guess of Snowflake on the 3rd. I will say that ours this year has already had two duplicates (??) and it is only the 7th, so it is making it a little more tricky. Also, Cindy LOVES the Calendar, so I highly recommend them to the parents out there. We made it the rule that we always do our card after we read our scriptures. So on the first day we did the card and told Cindy the rule, she asked me if we could read scriptures in the morning the next day. :)

A Christmas Miracle

So the other day Jacob’s parents let us know that one of their TV’s made a loud popping noise and would no longer turn on. Furthermore, they said that because the TV was pretty old, we could have it if we wanted it, but would just have to pay to fix it. We thought this to be a pretty good deal, so we called around to random hole-in-the-wall TV shops and finally found one that said they would diagnose the problem for a mere $20. As always, however, we never have cash on hand and hated the thought of going to the ATM to actually withdraw money from the bank. (In our marriage, the ATM is like the bad part of town after dark, or any restaurant in Bartow; NEVER go there.) But, as I was getting ready to take the TV in, there was a knock at the door. And who should be there, but two Mexicans offering to buy the unsellable bathroom vanity countertop and sink that was still sitting in our yard! We didn’t understand much of what they said, but we did understand the $20 bill they gave us as they loaded it up and drove away. I know, I know, you have heard this story a million times where someone miraculously sells a vanity top to Mexicans to fix their TV. Even I find it a bit contrived, but it truly was a Christmas Miracle that warms my little heart and hopefully yours too. Feliz Navidad!

Mad Skillz + Mad Libs

So I Googled "Christmas Mad Libs" and a website came up where I randomly put in all of the necessary parts of speech and they generate me a nice little spoof of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Thus, using my mad vocabulary skillz- I came up with this:

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the Mesozoic era before Christmas, and all through the wigwam,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a warthog.
The dickeys were hung by the wingback chair with care,
In hopes that St. Beatrice soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their hope chests,
While visions of sugar-cumquats danced in their knuckles.
And step cousin in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the lateral filing cabinet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Smacked open the shutters, and launched up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-bronze age to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a fluent triathlon bike, and eight tiny japanese beetles.

With a little old driver, so lively and sweltering,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Beatrice.
More rapid than mealworms his japanese beetles they came,
And he whistled, and frosted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Wally! Now, Bird Figurine and Vixen!
On, Joe The Plumber! On Marmoset! On, Kilt and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the grey poupon!
Now hoist away! Hoist away! Hoist away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the wingback chair St. Beatrice came with a bound.

His eyes -- how they primed! His dimples, how pre-moistened!
His earlobes were like pinecones, his femur like Pringles!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the dickeys, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his scalp aside of his patella,
And giving a nod, up the wingback chair he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a Heeee-hawwww!!!,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Mesozoic era!"

(http://www.rinkworks.com/crazylibs/c/c11.shtml if you would like to do your own...)

Elder Bingham- Before he was Famous

I am sure you all lost sleep over the long wait it has been until this moment, when, as promised, I give you the worst picture of Brian you ever saw. Drum roll, please....


Okay, maybe I oversold it just a tad, but Brian secretly plots every year to steal this photo and destroy it in a secret midnight ceremony in the backyard. He HATES this picture. Why, you may ask? The hair, maybe? The teeth, maybe? The ridiculous expression on his face, maybe? He always gets mad at Mom and demands to know why she let him leave the house looking like a homeless redneck. I am not sure how old he was, but he was at Highland City Elementary and this ornament was some school creation brought home to please the mother figure. As a mother myself now, I totally get why Mom insisted on saving all the weird pictures of us that adorned the tree. (So we can make fun of you online years and years later- duh!) Anyway, thanks Brian for taking one for the team today! You made many people smile (and completely amazed at how you could turn out to be such a stud;)

The Strange World of Bingham Family Ornaments

Day #3-
(Some of my readers are requesting my posts be placed first thing in the morning, I will do my best to comply. I don't want to upset my throng of fans.)

Ornament Spotlight Time!
So as I was sort of helping my mom and dad decorate the Christmas tree while at their house for Thanksgiving, I remembered some of the more “classic” Bingham family ornaments that are on that tree. Let me share one with you now (As I light my pipe and adjust my ascot...)


As you can see, there are actually two ornaments here that go together. It is supposed to be two kittens, one with a decorated cookie and one with a giant tube of red frosting- thus, you put them in proximity of one another and they look like they are making a cute little Christmas cookie together. However, ever since I can remember, my dad sees this ornament and always asks, “Why do we have a cat holding a bloody syringe on the Christmas tree? That makes no sense.” To which my Mom inevitably replies, “Miiiiike! That is not a bloody syringe! Ewwww!, That is frosting!” Dad just loves to torment her :) -another family tradition. But I must say that he has a point, I mean, it does have a slight creepiness factor- Hallmark or not, especially when the kitten with the cookie is no where in sight.

Tune in tomorrow where I show the worst picture of my brother Brian you ever saw. Yes, it is on the Christmas tree and yes, he would die if he knew I was showing it to everyone. Sucks to be in Spain, bro...

Pardon The Interruption, but....

TODAY IS MY 100TH BLOG POST! Yahoo!! Hopefully all of your gifts celebrating this momentus occasion will get here in time. However, while I wait for those to arrive, Jacob and I have been working on something special for both of my readers. Therefore, in keeping with my 25 Days of Christmas theme, I give you the gift of (hopefully) laughter and utter silliness. (See?! Even old white haired ladies read the blog AND celebrate with me. I love being an internet celebrity!)

Oh, and ***very important*** Please comment on the post and tell me your favorite number on this list. Oh, okay, your favorite two or three- if you must. Or randomly pick one if you don't like a dang thing on there- just humor me, people! It's a friendly competition between Jacob and I :)

TOP 100 POSTS I HOPE YOU NEVER SEE ON MY BLOG

1. Top 1000 posts I hope you never see on my blog
2. I’m pregnant!
3. The day I learned Richard Simmons is my real father
4. Why we’re selling our house and moving to Honduras
5. How we know that Cindy actually hates Disney Princesses
6. So Jacob fell in the septic tank the other day…
7. My secret trip to Regis Philbin’s boyhood home
8. The Utes win again!
9. The Amazing dedication of Jacob’s Soccer team
10. I can’t believe I said “urinal“ from the pulpit
11. Twilight books? I read them all!
12. Welfare Fraud for dummies
13. Check out the latest tattoo
14. The Most Amazing Recipe for Sangria
15. “He’s dead, Jim.”
16. I love Tax Season!
17. So I have decided to pick up metallurgy as a hobby
18. The media provides very fair coverage- and I can prove it
19. Announcing the new name of my blog: Nacho Blogre
20. My time at Star Trek Convention 2009
21. A photo tour of our new bomb shelter
22. Our tree fell over!
23. My 22 hours in the ER
24. Never mind, I now love talking on the phone!
25. My vine is………dead
26. “More Please”
27. ‘Pimped’ my ride, now I have 22’s
28. Cindy’s first date
29. I am so excited about the Britney Spears concert!
30. Snakes are actually sooo cute!
31. Luke’s favorite Ballerina
32. The Big Foot Convention was such a let down
33. Giving up chocolate was the best thing I ever did
34. Yoshi’s Pregnant!
35. Joe the Plumber's pregnant!
36. Turns out that Prison is not too bad!
37. I’m really regretting not voting Democrat
38. My weekly recap of Dancing with the Stars
39. The young women are plotting to kill me!
40. If I could live anywhere, it would be the Pepperidge Farm
41. Eat, Sleep, Karaoke
42. A homeless man was living in my shed!
43. I think I want to manage apartments for a living
44. The time machine I bought on craigslist
45. Does anyone know how to kill a live chicken?
46. I’m going back to school- Clown School!
47. Sold the Honda, got the collectible poodle plate
48. My carbon footprint is just too big
49. I need a small loan to pay my bookie
50. Rosie’s new show? LOVE IT!
51. So I guess the cat has been peeing in the garden
52. I finished my screenplay, “American Wookie”
53. Online shopping sucks compared to actual shopping
54. Where my American Idol audition went wrong
55. How Rosa disappeared, but then reappeared in the top hat in my closet
56. Apparently top ten lists give me a rash
57. I had a feeling my parachute wasn’t going to open…
58. Introducing our New family restaurant, “Squidruckers”
59. The day Cindy stole the truck
60. Bagged my first 5 point buck!
61. I’ve joined the Navy!
62. Oh, Cable I have missed you!
63. I can’t think of anything to blog about
64. Rabbits can chew through concrete- who knew?
65. I’ll do anything for tickets to the Oprah show
66. Christmas: Out Festivus: In
67. The easiest pipe bomb you’ll ever make
68. The UPS guy is actually the UPS Girl
69. Please let Cindy get accepted to the U, please….
70. Only 4 more years til Jacob’s a dentist!
71. I’m giving up Facebook forever!
72. If it’s not Plavix, Crestor, Caduet or Singulair- what is right for me?
73. Warning: Never play tag with the kids near the freeway
74. I have such a sense of community
75. Not a lot of perks to being a hermit
76. One way streets really do mean one way
77. “Una Paloma Blanca” is my new favorite song- hands down
78. I’m calling ITT Tech today
79. Should I get harpsichord lessons or piccolo lessons?
80. My phone call from jail
81. Peter Faulk came by- AGAIN
82. My new gay neighbors
83. I played World of Warcraft for 27 hours: no effect
84. Moving back to Utah!
85. I’m kinda starting to like DJing dances
86. Chapter 11 is no big deal
87. 20 pounds of cake mix makes one BIG cake!
88. I love the BCS
89. My secret life as a Canadian census taker
90. The Office has jumped the shark!
91. Apparently Choctaw is a completely fake Indian tribe
92. The Simpsons entering its 35th season??!!
93. Jacob’s first week as a general authority
94. Those new meat-flavored Skittles are terribly average
95. What I learned during my alien abduction last night
96. President Hilton picked a great cabinet
97. Hawaii- you’ve seen the last of me!
98. Just because you can steal your neighbor’s electricity, doesn’t mean you should
99. Why we’re leaving all our money to the cricket living under the workbench
100. The new Star Trek movie is Lame!

THE 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Okay, okay, I am trying to decide whether or not it is even possible for me to blog 25 days in a row. I would like to think I have enough rambling, mindless drivel to put on here for over three straight weeks, but who knows? I think I am at least going to give it the old college try. So check back in every day and see #1 whether I can blog for 25 straight days and #2 random treats for you to enjoy each day leading up to Christmas. Think of this as your virtual Advent Calendar. So without further ado........

DAY 1-
Sunday was spent putting up the Christmas tree. I learned from this experience that it is pretty much next to impossible to tell Cindy about a any future event that is not happening IMMEDIATELY. I made the mistake of telling her on Saturday that we would put the tree up on Sunday and for 24 hours I got to answer the question "Are we putting up the tree now?" Aye carumba! But, finally, after switching the color of the lights on the tree three times and taping it to the top of my filing cabinet to keep it out of Luke's grasp, we were able to put the decorations on. Always a good time remembering the events that correspond with the ornaments. (You will be seeing some of the ornaments in question over the next three weeks on the blog. Did I hear you say, "Oh, goodie!" I bet I did!) I also hung the stockings today (on a very high door frame to, once again, elude Luke's grabby little hands) AND put some lights outside amongst the grounds and shrubbery. Ole! So get out your Santa face spoon rest, your Merry Chris-Moose figurines, your knitted "Santa Loves Cats Too" stocking and let the festivities begin! Or as Cindy sings "Deck the halls in shranky holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la." I don't get it either, but it is still hilarious to hear.