Sweeneyville

Thug Life

2012-02-15T13:25:00.003-05:00

This is how Luke rolls.

Mmmmm...Virtual Chocolate

2012-02-14T12:15:00.010-05:00

You might not believe it, but there's actually a lot of legwork that goes into picking out what the best flavored fillings will be for those chocolates in the heart-shaped boxes. I got a hold of an internal memo from the R&D folks at Russell Stover and I thought I might share some of the ideas that didn't quite make it off the ground...

TOP TEN REJECTED FILLINGS FOR VALENTINES CHOCOLATES

11. Fry sauce
10. Dark charcoal
9. WD-40 with a hint of lime
8. Mint spackle
7. Shrimp nougat
6. Dulce de leech
5. Silly putty
4. Deviled egg
3. Castrol GTX (high mileage)
2. Folger's Crystals
1. Sap

Thanks to my brother Dave and my dad for their help. I sent my dad a text to say, "I finished the list, but how do I insult Obama?" The answer came back: "Tell him he has big ears??" Winner, winner, chicken dinner :)

He's the Honda that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs

2012-02-13T16:05:00.008-05:00

I FINALLY got me a set of those "family" stickers for the back of my car.

What? You didn't think I would just get some plain old normal ones, did you?

We don't do "normal" around here :)

To Preschool, With Love

2012-02-12T17:12:00.000-05:00

And here is another reason why VPK (Voluntary Pre-Kindergarden, which is free in Florida) is totally radical:

Because let's face it, will I ever have a Rodeo day at my house, complete with making a paper bag cowboy vest and a ride-on horse made out of socks, a wrapping paper tube, felt and yarn? Not a chance. But Luke's teacher will :) Yee-haw!

Love Bugs

2012-02-10T06:27:00.001-05:00

I put this over on Facebook, but I had to give a shout out over here as well so my parents could see this awesomeness. Yesterday I stumbled on a promotion from the Bronx Zoo, where, for $10, for Valentine's Day, you can name a hissing cockroach in their zoo after your sweetheart. I am not making this up. As the slogan says, "Flowers wilt. Candlelight fades. Roaches are forever." (They ain't whistlin' dixie on that one!) Even better is that if you pay just $15 more you will also get (and I quote) "a hand-painted, artisanal chocolate roach that will give your Valentine something to squeal about." Whoever thought of this idea needs a huge promotion. This fundraiser is absolute genius! All proceeds save the endangered web-footed spotted panda (or something like that) AND they also encourage you to even name a roach after someone you may not have the best of feelings for. Who can resist officially naming a roach after someone you think is total vermin? Don't worry, I am WAY ahead of you on this one. I already put in an order for two: Barack and Nancy :)

The Way Things Work Around Here

2012-02-09T13:00:00.002-05:00

Cindy lost another tooth yesterday. You would think that since I told her on her last lost tooth that the tooth fairy is not real that I would be off the hook from now on. Not a chance. This is how things played out this time...

Last night at bedtime:

Cindy: Okay, mom, I am putting my tooth right here under the corner of the pillow. I am not taking it out of the tooth container I got at school.
Mom: You want me to take the tooth out of the container and leave the container there?
Cindy: Yeah, I will use it for my next tooth that comes out.
Mom: And just what kind of money are you expecting, dear?
Cindy: Well, I have to take a dollar to school tomorrow...
Mom: What for?
Cindy: For those Cupid Grams that they are selling. The ones that secretly come from the parents, remember??
Mom: Oh yeah.
Cindy: So just give me the dollar and I will use that to get the secret Valentine from you.
Mom: This is so weird.

Later that night I completely forget about the tooth (like always) and go to bed.

Even later this morning I go in Cindy's room and take four quarters out of the monkey head change purse on her night stand. I put those under the pillow and take the tooth.

Cindy wakes up and takes her own four quarters to school to pay for the secret Cupid Gram Valentine that is from me that she will receive on Tuesday during class.

Sweeneyville. What a country!

The Artist

2012-02-08T09:02:00.001-05:00

Did I mention I was babysitting my friend's children for the entire week? Yeah, that Top Ten might be delayed a few days :) But while we're waiting...

Apparently there is a book at Luke's preschool that teaches how to draw simple animals and figures using basic shapes. I have never seen this book, but I know it exists because Luke tells me about it all the time and he keeps bringing me home the absolute neatest drawings I have ever seen. I kinda get excited when he says he has a new one for me. And so lest I hide his light under a bushel, here are the talents of my son:

The Robot

The Horse (or AT-AT Walker)

The Snake

The Alligator

The Dog

We have found that Luke is incredibly studious when it comes to coloring. He always is so patient and will take the time to finish every coloring page in great detail, always coloring everything that is supposed to be colored. Perhaps we have a budding Uncle Sean on our hands??? That would be so cool :)

My 2 Cents

2012-02-06T10:45:00.011-05:00

Does anyone else agree with me that last night the stars aligned and the actual Super Bowl game was infinity times better than any commercial that was on? Personally, I thought that all the commercials were total duds. I don't think I laughed at a single one. Such a disappointment! But then again, I like the more witty and clever commercials and this year's crop seemed too dumbed down for me. Good thing the game itself came down to a hail Mary pass for all the marbles in the last 4 seconds of the game. I don't even like New York or New England, but that was a finish!

*Wait, technically there was actually one part of one commercial that I did enjoy and that was the Twinkie reference in the Chevy apocolypse commercial. As you were...

And In case you were wondering, Cindy's cheer camp went good. They kicked all the parents out until after lunch when they would show us what they learned. So as she was walking in to do her "performance" she looked very uncomfortable and nervous. BUT she did do her dance and cheer when it came time and and said she had fun. I did not get the overwhelming sense from her that she found her new calling in life, but at least I see that she did try and wanted to learn. This is a good start. However, the best part was that by some mix-up they had her registered as me. So at the end of the camp she got a certificate saying "Jessica Sweeney is an official Jr. Wildcat Cheerleader!" She was not amused.

A Luke Quickie

Last night we did our Family Home Evening about germs and washing our hands so we won't get sick. It was kind of a 'Teachings for our Times' lesson, you might say. Jacob was asking the kids to name all the places in the house that we touch the most. They came up with the obvious doorknobs, computer keyboard, video controllers, etc. but there was one more that Jacob wanted them to guess and that was the iPod. So he did a little charades for them by cupping one hand and then using his other pointer finger to pretend like he was holding and playing on the iPod. The kids had no clue. So he continued his hand motions and said, "Something that we like to touch all the time???" After what seemed like several minutes of total confusion, Luke finally guessed "Baby kitties?" Excellent guess, young Lucius.

The Adventures of Cindy and Luke

2012-02-03T12:48:00.009-05:00

Well, we are slogging our way through Cindy's soccer season. (April cannot get here fast enough...) However, the secret is out; Cindy is not interested in soccer. At least not for now. I think she likes the girls on her team, likes the camaraderie and practices, but she just doesn't love the game. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him want to be a true center mid. Therefore she finally gets to try something else! A few weeks ago I decided grant the fondest dream of her little heart and let her attend an upcoming McKeel Cheerleading camp. I figured she deserved a break from soccer overload and I truly and desperately want to see her do something dancy/girly. I am just so curious to know if something like this is more to her liking?? Anyway, the camp is tomorrow morning and if Cindy doesn't kick me out of the camp I will give you a full report of everything I see. I'm probably more excited about this than she is :)

And last night in the car on the way home from soccer (no way!) we caught a few minutes of a radio call-in show where a girl was sad because she got dumped. After I changed it Cindy asked me, "What if you like someone and they don't like you back? What happens then?" I just kinda laughed and said, "Nothing, really." And then Luke's tiny voice from the back seat said, "Yeah, that was like at Legoland when I saw this girl and I was about to fall in love with her but she wasn't honest because she wasn't wearing a good shirt that was covering her." It was like EF Hutton had spoken. Cindy and I were totally silent making the "What the heck?" face at each other. And then we couldn't stop laughing. Luke? Falling in love with a girl at Legoland? That boy is so mysterious sometimes! Just the way the ladies like it...

And Cindy would like everyone to know she found a gigantic piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in her cereal bowl.

As an official cereal historian and decoder, I can tell you that this omen can only mean one thing: Cindy's year will be long and prosperous. She will make good grades, continue holding her title as the undefeated Uno Grand Champion, and will once again choose a Star Wars-related costume for Halloween. Oh, and the vibes are very strong that everything she owns is currently in a giant wadded up ball under her bed.

For Toad on Groundhog Day

2012-02-02T07:05:00.001-05:00

I Hear Banjo Music!

2012-02-01T19:36:00.003-05:00

Finally when Jacob smuggles moonshine across the county line, he can do it in style. My souvenir from Cooter's Place in Nashville looks flippin' sweet on Lucy's back window :) Now we just have to perfect that hood slide...

A Grab Bag of Interesting Thoughts and Tips

2012-02-01T07:16:00.009-05:00

Well here is something exciting about my birthday yesterday, last night for the first time ever in my whole entire life I took Pepto-Bismal!!! Do I know how to party or what? It was off the hook!!! I was really expecting that pink stuff to make me puke, but it's surprisingly soothing and I think it honestly does work. It settled my stomach pretty quick and allowed me to go to sleep. So while I don't feel 100% today, I am feeling WAY better than yesterday :) Thanks for all the well wishes and messages too. I appreciate all of them :)

By the way, if your birthday is coming up or maybe your spouse's birthday is around the corner, make sure to get on the Internet and sign up for tons of free stuff. I did, and thankfully most all the coupons I got are good for another week. So make sure to get online and sign up with Ruby Tuesday's, Dairy Queen, Coldstone Creamery, Denny's, Moe's Southwest Grill, Arby's and CVS just to name a few. All of these places sent me some pretty good free stuff, so this next week I plan to really celebrate my birthday. No Pepto required!

Yesterday BrightHouse, my Internet provider, called with a special offer. They offered to boost our Internet speed by ten times what we had before for less money for 3 months. I agreed to this and so supposedly we now have speed of 10mps instead of 1mps. (That is not a typo, we live in a non-Fios Internet wasteland and 1mps is all we wanted to pay for.) Unfortunately, I am not seeing any difference in my internet speed. I was expecting something amazing, but Netflix still looks grainy and I still can't remotely launch a satellite to the moon, so I guess the true test will have to be Jacob playing Call of Duty online and me simply thinking of using the Internet at the same time, which is usually all it takes to make him lag and lose the game. So is paying more for "faster" non-Fios Internet really worth the money? I agree with this guy:

My final tip is the website instantwatcher.com. This site is for Netflix subscribers and has all the most popular new movies listed so you can see what has just been added and what is expiring. You can also see what movies have just been queued in the last 5 minutes by the most people. Really helpful! So although I have returned to watching "Psych" season 4 pretty much every day now, still, it's good to know that 'A He-Man Christmas' has been added, just in case I need to watch it.

It Only Happens Once a Year

2012-01-31T06:42:00.002-05:00

TOP TEN THINGS I MAY OR MAY NOT BE DOING ON MY BIRTHDAY TODAY:

10. Wrestling an alpaca
9. Forging a very large check
8. Avoiding the very strong urge to buy professional carpet skates
7. Talking on Skype with my long-lost identical twin sister, Urmgard
6. Winning the karaoke contest at my local Applebee's
5. Spending quality time with my Obama voodoo doll (oh wait, I do that every day, nevermind)
4. Fundraising for my trip to the US Colony on the Moon in 2020
3. Searching with OJ for the real killer
2. Eating my weight in Necco Wafers
1. Curling up in the fetal position on the couch with a blanket and wishing I were dead because I caught Cindy and Luke's stomach bug...

It's only 6 days late...

2012-01-30T06:08:00.001-05:00

My mom just got put on a new prescription to continue to help the neuropathy in her hands to go away. It is called Lyrica, and when she read the label and accompanying information, there were over 20 different listed side effects. I don't want to freak you out, Mom, but I did a little research and there are actually a few more that you need to watch out for...

TOP ELEVEN LESSER-KNOWN SIDE EFFECTS OF PRESCRIPTION LYRICA

11. Tingling eyelashes
10. Itchy barnacles
9. Spontaneous ventriloquism
8. Loss of interest in breeding woodchucks
7. Tears that taste like gravy
6. Thoughts of tax evasion
5. Loss of touch with reality, illusions of grandeur and irrational feelings of superiority (Oh, wait, those are side effects of being elected president with zero qualifications. Oops!)
4. Trouble remembering the winner of American Idol for seasons 2,3,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. (Oh, wait, that's a side effect of being a human being)
3. Heightened sense of when the garbage man will come
2. Poor judgement, followed by voting Democrat
1. Irregular smiling

To Disney and Beyond!

2012-01-28T09:59:00.019-05:00

I normally don't get my pictures up so quickly, but I find myself here at the computer with some free time this morning, so why not use it wisely? Yesterday was absolutely great! We went to Disney with DeAnne to meet up with cousin Kate and Aunt Teresa. The weather was rainy for only about 15 minutes and then it was cool and cloudy the rest of the day- which kept the crowds low and our efficiency high. I would say we didn't wait more than 15 minutes for anything. Which is the only way to do Disney. No long lines and ridiculous heat for me. And can I say how much I just love Kate and Teresa? Well, I am going to, no matter what your answer is. They are so fun to talk to and spend time with. I really, really wish they lived closer to us :( But unfortunately they are probably on their way to the airport right now to head back to Utah. (My kids hate Utah, by the way. It is an evil, evil place where everyone they love lives or moves to, leaving them behind.)

A few pictures...

I have learned that Luke is a fan of "meeting" characters as long as he doesn't have to talk to them or interact with them a great deal. Really he just likes observing them secretly from close distances. This photo took a lot of guts.

These three LOVED to spin :) The adults, not so much...

Luke loved the carousel.

Teresa had a death wish and agreed to go driving with Cindy. She barely survived...

Captured by Zurg! Luke LOVED the ride Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin. He rode it 3 times and felt just like Dad playing Call of Duty :)

Even though it is about 30 days off, this picture totally counts as my annual picture with Cindy in front of Cinderella's castle. Can't wait to go back this December when the New Fantasyland is open. Here are some pictures that show what is coming if you care to know.

Cindy and Kate on "People World." I mean, It's a Small World.

Finally, at the end of the night, Cindy managed to ride Cinderella's horse on the carousel. All was right with the world.

Hard to believe how much she's grown already...

We managed to last all the way to 8pm for the fireworks show, which never disappoints. We also did a few new things this time - the Buzz Lightyear ride, the Jungle Cruise (which I have not done since I was about 8), Peter Pan's Magic Flight, (which Luke talked about almost the whole day) and when the kids stopped at a food cart and were offered a snack of their choosing, Cindy chose an orange. I am still confused. Cindy had obviously been kidnapped and replaced by some other child. Not to say that we still didn't have funnel cake, cinnamon sugar almonds, cookies, chocolate coins, and waffles with nutella and fruit- but still, an orange?

Overall, it was such a great day together. The kids and I loved every minute of it. Now I just have to convince Jason and Teresa to move here. Which might not be too hard of a sell right now because Lakeland's high temp today is 75 and Salt Lake's is 22. Just think about it, okay Teresa? :)

House of Mouse

2012-01-27T06:54:00.006-05:00

The kids and I are headed to Disney today - yahoo! What better way to cap off a week of throwing up and missing school than by missing some more school to go play with your cousins! Luke is apparently most excited about (and I quote): "That one ride where you see all those fake toys singing and dancing and playing instruments." Cindy told him the correct name of that ride (duh), which is called "People World." See? We don't really go there near enough as we should. Anyway, I am still working on that Top Ten list! I won't let the week pass without making this one up. So as I walk around Magic Kingdom my little brain will still be in Sweeneyville :)

P.S. Extra, Extra! Read all about it!! Has my marathoner extraordinaire sister-in-law Linnley FINALLY convinced me to train for a Half Marathon??? It's a 100% definite, possible, totally imaginably, weather permitting maybe! I never thought I could make such a hard and fast decision. Seriously, I am mulling it over....someone stop me!!

Once Again

2012-01-25T20:29:00.005-05:00

Obviously the top ten didn't materialize this week. Monday was a day off for the kids and it completely threw me off. Plus, both my kids have been throwing up :( I am trying to stay positive in all this, you know, as I wipe down the bathroom walls, floor, tub, ceiling, shower curtain, vanity, mirror....okay, that's probably exaggerating just a bit, but I will focus on the fact that even when sick, my kids are totally non-dramatic. They don't whine, they don't moan and groan or even really cry. Their drama level is about a zero when it comes to puking. Both my children just throw up, blow their noses and then move on with life. It's quite remarkable. They obviously get that from their mother :)

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

2012-01-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

I think something is wrong with Cindy's 20 Questions App on her iPod. Usually that game is eerily accurate and gets most everything right, however, the other day we told it to guess the animal we were thinking of and these are the questions it asked us (roughly in this order):

Is it a carnivore?

Is it full of water?

Is it hunted?

Does it break when you drop it?

Is it made of metal?

Does it have horns?

I know that iPods are from the future, so I am dying to know the kind of animals it was ruling out when it asked these questions. I guess it was just making sure we weren't thinking of the the Fragile 4-Horned Hydra Yeti?? AWESOME!

Quickies

2012-01-23T08:43:00.005-05:00

Yesterday we asked the kids what we should do for Family Home Evening. Cindy immediately suggested "We need to learn how to do the splits." She's got us there, we haven't covered that one yet.

Then later on while having our Family Home Evening about the 10 Commandments, we were trying to nicely explain what "adultery" was. That lead to Cindy making a comment about how some parents get divorced. Jacob told her that was not ever going to happen to us and then Cindy said, "Besides, you guys are a great couple!" Once again, you can't argue with her!

Yesterday in the hallway at church, I asked Luke's new primary teacher, Brother Carter, how Luke was doing in class. He just smiled a big grin and said, "I tell you what, don't ever leave him lying around because I am gonna steal him :)" I thought that was so cute, so at dinner yesterday I told Luke what Brother Carter had said. Luke's expression was the most perfect blend of smiling and sheer horror that I had ever seen.

I Finally Found The Love of a Lifetime

2012-01-22T18:24:00.009-05:00

This one is kind of a weird one, but last year some time I heard my friend Lisa McKendrick telling me about a magical Coke machine at Firehouse Subs. Supposedly they had all kinds of ways to make your Coke with different flavors and add-ins and most of the options were diet and caffeine free! Did you read that slow enough to understand what she was saying?!?!?!? That's like finding a dress that's in your size and on sale, or finding a Republican South Carolina resident who is a registered voter and not completely ignorant- it's nearly impossible! But ever since then I have been saying I was going to go and check it out, so FINALLY the family and I went to make our pilgrimage. (Plus, I had never before eaten at a Firehouse Subs in my life, so the reason to go was really two-fold.)

Anyway, here is shot of Cindy at the magical carbonating kiosk of fantasticalness.

(♪ choirs of angels singing ♪♪♪)

It's a touchscreen kiosk that dispenses ice and then whatever flavor of whatever soda you want. Seriously, this is as close to the replicator in Star Trek as I have ever been. It was a special moment. Cherry Sprite Zero? Yes ma'am! Vanilla Caffeine Free Diet Coke with a hint of lime? Roger that! Diet Orange Fanta with a touch of peaches n' liver? Oh wait, they didn't actually have that, but you get the idea. If I had this in my kitchen I would never leave the house. Totally worth the trip! My cheesesteak sub was pretty good, but I was not blown away. Jacob's pastrami sub impressed him and stuffed him at the same time. But considering that he covered that (and absolutely everything he eats) with hot sauce anyway, it was bound to make him happy. And as for the kids - they were just there for the Cheetos :)

Well Done

2012-01-20T08:32:00.010-05:00

I can't believe it but another soccer season came to a close last night. McKeel played well, but unfortunately it just wasn't enough :( They lost in the second round of districts, 4-2. This season was a tough one for the team! They moved up a classification and essentially had to start running with the big dogs. And they kept up! Their schedule was rigorous; they had practice or a game every single day, they played Saturdays, they played indoor tournaments, they ran 5Ks - it was a lot of work. I'm definitely proud of all of them, win or lose. It's hard to share your husband with 18 teenage girls for almost half the year, but I wouldn't do it for anyone else but them. They really are a great group of girls and they treat Jacob with tremendous respect and kindness. And he is an excellent coach! I am not quite sure he grasps how talented he is and what he means to that program. And despite the season ending only last night, visions of seasons to come already dance in Jacob's head. The next few years should be quite a ride. Even I'm a little excited! Wha??? The one thing I am NOT excited about however, is the once again inevitable consequence of the soccer season being over; now we have to start doing yard work again. Crap.

Mostly for Mom and Dad

2012-01-19T07:01:00.004-05:00

I put this on my Facebook page, but I have to make sure you don't miss out on seeing this:

I need that AT-AT get up for Cucuface...

A Little Late, But Worth The Wait

2012-01-18T08:11:00.001-05:00

TOP ELEVEN WAYS TIM TEBOW WILL SPEND HIS OFF SEASON

11. Answering prayers
10. Casting the evil spirits out of Ben Roethlisberger
9. FINALLY getting some good use out of that Bedazzler
8. Traveling to Egypt to find his Hebrew Mother
7. So much wine to make, so little time...
6. Putting the finishing touches on that cancer vaccine he's been working on
5. Take several long vacations in Hawaii, not do a lick of real work, golf every day, and spend time partying with Hollywood stars. Oh wait, that's what Obama will be doing in Tim's off season, sorry for the mix up.
4. Hearing Ray Lewis' confessions
3. Doing a lot of fishing so he can donate all the coins to an orphanage
2. Hanging around the pool and letting the Ravens bring him stuff to eat
1. Creating a new species of dolphin

And thanks to my dad who pretty much wrote this entire list. In 5 minutes. It's a thing of beauty :)

Why the Top Ten Will Be Delayed:

2012-01-17T16:53:00.004-05:00

Chapter 2, Stage 2, Level 53 to be exact. There isn't even a tutorial on the Internet!!! Has the world gone mad? Do I have to figure things out for myself??? This level is impossible!! It's sucking the life out of me, turning me into some sort of crazed stupid iPod......zombie. Hey, wait a minute...

By the Power of Greyskull!

2012-01-16T16:47:00.011-05:00

Guess who FINALLY got their very own house key after losing their only copy over 4 years ago?

(photo by Luke :)

This girl! And I even upgraded to the $3 girly designy kind of key with a lovely flower pattern. Maybe I will even start using my front door again!! Nah, that's crazy talk. We all know that deep down I liked releasing my inner cat burglar by climbing through the window...

And Luke would like you to know he just built "the Temple" out of his Jenga blocks :)

His modeling skills are really getting good! So Bingham-esque!

Does Gitmo Get NPR?

2012-01-15T19:30:00.010-05:00

I think there are only a few things in this world that Jacob and I fundamentally disagree on. You know, things like who was the better Darrin on Bewitched, whether hot sauce should exist or more importantly whether or not the show Car Talk on NPR with Click and Clack is funny. Jacob loves the show and finds it incredibly entertaining. I, on the other hand, completely loathe those two goofballs and find their show excruciating to have to listen to. It's just wretched. Here are my exact beefs with the show:

1. The show is about cars. BO-RING! Listening to people describe a weird wobble in their '88 Buick or how gas randomly pours out of the bottom of their truck at red lights is just not entertaining. It's somewhere on the scale between watching paint dry and reading a chemistry textbook for fun.

2. The hosts, Click and Clack, act like they are hysterical comedians - which they are not. They are mechanics from New England with incredibly thick Northeastern accents that drive me bonkers. Moreover, they usually are only able to answer about 4 calls in an hour because they are yakking so long and laughing at their own jokes that any advice they give takes a millennium to get out. Oy!

3. It's either Click or Clack (actually probably both) that snort when they laugh. Just. Shoot. Me.

Now, the only reason I get subjected to this show is because it comes on on Saturday mornings while driving to Cindy's soccer games. And since I am trapped in the car (with zero viable escape routes) and Jacob knows exactly how much I hate the show, I get to experience something akin to being water boarded for 60 minutes. Good thing the season is almost over. And that I already promised that I would never leave Jacob.

So there you have it - I just had to get that off my chest. And just as a disclaimer: I don't wish any ill will towards anyone who likes the show Car Talk. You are entitled to your opinions. It just completely changes how I feel about you :)

Get It?

2012-01-14T15:24:00.006-05:00

My friend Donna posted this picture on her Facebook page and I couldn't help but totally agree (and laugh my head off):

They do!!!

Jessica's Diner

2012-01-13T17:05:00.008-05:00

I know that as soon as I blog about this topic an enormous kitchen disaster will occur, but I guess I will have to take my chances. Finally after 11 years I have arrived at the point where I can cook most every meal without a recipe. Now, I am not talking about baking things like cakes and breads- not a chance, no way, no how - it will take me infinity to learn to do that, but pretty much anything you could order off a Denny's menu, I can make off the top of my head and have it taste pretty good. Chili, club sandwich, nachos, soups, grilled chicken, all kinds of breakfast deliciousness, hamburgers, meatloaf, tacos, spaghetti, roast, soup, steak, salmon - yep, I pretty much have it all down. So I guess what I'm saying is that 11 years of being married has officially made me a short order cook :) Which is good to know in case the whole professional hip-hop dancer thing never works out.

So Strangely Awesome

2012-01-11T10:46:00.005-05:00

The other day I came across this banner ad for this t-shirt. And now I need an emergency $15. (Go ahead and click to enlarge. You know you want to...)

Have I mentioned Luke is a slow eater?

2012-01-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

TOP TEN THINGS I CAN GET DONE BEFORE LUKE FINISHES ONE BOWL OF CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

10. Repaint the kitchen
9. Make a fully functioning replica of the Millennium Falcon completely out of things found in my garage
8. Destroy the economy, create a welfare state and emaciate the US military (Oh wait, that's what Obama can do before Luke finishes one bowl of chicken noodle soup. My mistake.)
7. Watch all 11 Star Trek movies....from outer space
6. Grow a mature bonsai tree from seed
5. Make 3 loaves of Amish Friendship bread
4. Watch a caterpillar hatch from an egg, grow, make a cocoon and then eventually emerge as a butterfly. Twice.
3. Memorize the entire IRS Tax Code in American Sign Language
2. Prestige 4 times in Modern Warfare (Oh wait, that's what Jacob can do before Luke finishes one bowl of chicken noodle soup. Sorry.)
1. Learn to waterski

3 for Thought

2012-01-09T06:37:00.007-05:00

3 Things I Have Learned in the Last Month:

1. I own about 500 articles of clothing and only wear about the same 20 things in a given year. My kids own about 2,000 articles of clothing and wear all of them in 2 days.

2. It's not the best idea to have a Family Home Evening about playing with matches, accidentally setting the house on fire and also not talking to strangers that may want to kidnap you, right before your kids go to bed. In hindsight that's probably more of a sunny Saturday morning kind of a topic.

3. Friends don't let friends watch "Zookeeper."

Pinkalicious

2012-01-08T16:11:00.000-05:00

I have been saying I need to get my own girlie headphones for when I have to DJ dances and I FINALLY bought myself a pair! And I got to try them out last night when I was doing the dance for the Single Adults over in Tampa. Normally I am a basketcase when it comes to DJing dances; even after all these years I still doubt my mad skillz and never really think I am doing that great of a job, but last night I finally felt completely calm and confident like I knew what I was doing. It was such a relief for a change. Better yet is that Cindy came with me to "work" and she was a star! She danced on the stage behind me to every song for over an hour and a half! She was an animal! I have never seen her so uninhibited, it was a revelation to me. She was such a hit at the dance, that finally an older gentleman who was there asked me for the mic so he could do a spotlight on her. I finally yielded to him and he said, "Let's give it up for Cindy!!" which was met with roaring applause. Cindy was so flattered she could barely speak her name and age into the mic when he "interviewed" her. Those single adults are so kind :) I have come to realize they are actually the BEST crowd in the whole church to DJ for. They help set up and take down my equipment, they dance to anything and everything you play, and they are always offering food and snacks. Add that all together and I can actually say that DJing that dance last night was a lot of FUN! Wait, is that how it's supposed to be?

My Brainwashing is Almost Complete

2012-01-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

Every morning Jacob and I eat breakfast together and then he goes to work. Of course we tell each other "I love you" before he heads out the door, but this morning he did it like this:

He is coming along so nicely! It was the best morning ever :)

Two Minute Interruption

2012-01-06T06:45:00.012-05:00

I purposely don't say a lot about politics on this blog because that isn't what this blog is really about. (This blog is really about nothing, in case you haven't guessed.) But also because you all know my political leanings anyway. And because talking politics can be worse than having your eyes poked out. However, I just can't help but be so baffled by this year's selection of the Republican nominee. I just can't for the life of me understand why we are making an issue of our own candidates instead of making Obama the issue. I completely understand the idea of voting according to your principles, and picking the guy who you see as the most honest and moral, and frankly, as the most conservative, but if the country really is going to heck in a handbasket and the US Constitution and everything we love really is being destroyed by an inexperienced, socialist former community organizer, then isn't our duty to make getting rid of that guy our absolute number one priority? Even despite our personal wishes to select the most perfect conservative that ever walked the earth? If I were to want to vote for only the one conservative person in the whole country that I agreed with on every economic issue and every point of foreign policy and every social policy then I would never get to vote in my entire life. So what should I do? Not vote ever? Let the other guy win because I am too principled? It just doesn't make sense. This election is so important for the sole reason of getting rid of Obama. End of story. It almost doesn't matter who the replacement is because ANYONE is better than that guy! Romney is not conservative enough - I GET IT. Then there's RomneyCare. I understand. Am I in love with Romney? No. But do you know what I am in love with? The idea of getting rid of the real problem in our country; our current president. Let's not be stupid, Republicans. Let's not suffer for four more years because we just couldn't find exactly the right guy that absolutely pleased us in every single way we could possibly imagine. ANYONE is the right guy this year. Particularly the one with the greatest chance of taking down Obama. Or Hillary as the case may be :)

Okay, stepping off the soapbox now and I won't say another word. Unless it is something insulting to Obama. In which case I will say many, many more words.

A Luke Quickie

2012-01-05T19:07:00.004-05:00

Yesterday in the car Luke asked me when Rosa was gonna have babies. To avoid anything but a superficial and magical discussion of how animals have babies, I said to Luke, "Not until she gets married! The baby bunnies can't grow up without a dad, right?" And then I immediately realized that there was a flaw in my explanation that he would probably identify in 5 seconds. But he never said anything after that. Well, finally today in a moment of quiet in the car Luke finally said, "Well, I must not have been born when Annie married that gray cat, because I don't remember her getting married." Yeah, I need to just keep my mouth shut and leave that entire subject up to Jacob. Just like I have planned :)

Me, In Convenient Graph Form

2012-01-04T15:38:00.002-05:00

By the way, the temperature where those two lines meet in the middle? About 55...

(and I actually did make this graph all by myself :)

Bring It, 2012!

2012-01-04T12:35:00.001-05:00

I am assuming everyone out there has made their list of New Year's Resolutions. I can safely say that people here in Lakeland definitely have. I can tell this by the amount of 'newbies' that were obviously at Lake Hollingsworth Monday trying to exercise and keep their health resolutions for at least one day. They were easy to spot because they walked in pairs, taking up the entire running lane, and when I came running at them, they did not move over for me. At all. Thanks. 'Preciate it. Anyway, I have set all my goals for 2012, and I have so many resolutions, that, in fact, there were magically about ten that didn't make the cut. Imagine that...

TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I WON'T BE MAKING THIS YEAR

10. Volunteer at the DMV
9. Become Obama's golf caddy (walking over 10,000 miles in six months would kill my knees)
8. Beg the Bishop to let me be seminary teacher
7. Get caught up on the past 6 seasons of Toddlers and Tiaras
6. Care about the NBA
5. Step in mystery water while wearing socks 50% more times than I already do
4. Get that Harry Reid tattoo I've been thinking about
3. Finally understand any movie that has to do with time travel (because you aren't supposed to set goals that are impossible)
2. Learn all the words to "American Pie" in Klingon
1. Actually publish my list for Top Ten Tuesday on Tuesdays

Man, this year is gonna be awesome!

FINALLY!!!

2012-01-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

I know what you are thinking, Finally what? Finally another blog post? Finally you changed the look of your blog a little? Finally you are going back to school to get your Master's degree in Puppetry? (It's next year for that one. Patience.) Nope, FINALLY is the theme of this year in Sweeneyville. I have dubbed 2012 "The Year of Finally!" This will be the year that I stop kinda almost doing things I have said I was going to do forever. Some of these 'finallys' are big, most are small, but dangit! These are things that finally need to get done! I already have a sweet list that seems to get longer and longer every day. It could as simple as saying yes, when for 10 years I have been saying no, it could just be going somewhere I have been saying I am going to visit since I was a beehive, it could be a habit I am finally going to form, or it might just be having my husband build me a contraption to fling unsuspecting squirrels around my yard. I'm sorry, but you are simply going to have to suck it up and read this blog for another year to see how this all turns out. That's life in the big city!

And to kick things off, finally! My pictures from vacation set to some ridiculous banjo music. Sorry, but Tennessee was kinda full of hicks, Rita. It just seemed appropriate. And I know that probably only my family can really stomach a 5-minute slide show of my vacation. Although, the end is worth waiting for...

Land!

2011-12-31T22:23:00.004-05:00

Today I spent 14 hours in the car driving home from Tennessee. I am so tired and the room is still moving all around me. I did, however, get a few minutes to download my 122 pictures from the trip and I think a handful of them are good enough to share. But only after about elenty kajillion hours of sleep and food that is not made entirely of sugar. So I will get back to you on Monday with all my vacation goodies. In the meantime, here is one picture I just can't wait to share...

My handsome son wearing jeans and hoodie. I took a picture so it would last longer :)

I went and moved it, moved it!

2011-12-28T17:34:00.006-05:00

I have now been up here in Tennessee with my brother and his family for over 24 hours and we have been having a great time. We have eaten, hung out, eaten, stayed up late, been sightseeing, eaten some more and this morning I did something I have never ever done before. Something that I have read status updates about, heard commercials about, seen bumper stickers for but something I have never ever actually tried for myself until this morning. And it is called Zumba. Molly took me with her to the Y for a morning class and I can finally say, I get it. I understand what the big deal is. It is actually insanely fun. It doesn't even feel like exercising! It was like a real life class of Dance Central! So fun! I will say however, there are some moves going on in those classes the likes of which I did not anticipate :) Now I just have to wait to see if I can move when I wake up tomorrow...

New Plan: Never Eat Again

2011-12-26T20:05:00.021-05:00

Oh my gosh, I had to have gained 5 pounds over the past week. Despite my running and my P90Xing almost every day, there is just no way to overcome the caloric catastrophe that has occurred at every meal. And also every 5 minutes in between meals. I have no willpower, plain and simple. So whatever is out and available on the counter is what I will eat. If it's brownies, candy, carrots or mung fish, I will eat it. Okay, maybe not mung fish, but you get the idea. Mostly it has been brownies. And cookies. And crackers. And chips. And chocolate. And more chocolate! And best of all is that I leave on a road trip to Tennessee with the kids and my parents tomorrow morning! Which means I am trapped in a car without 1. the ability to exercise and 2. massive quantities of snack foods. Oh, great and glorious metabolism! Please don't let me down over the next few days...

By the way, Christmas was totally fantastic! I called an audible on Saturday night at about 7pm and decided we were opening presents on Christmas Eve. To this news I was hugged ever so tight and loudly proclaimed as "THE GREATEST MOM ON THE WHOLE PLANET!!!!" I just figured that Christmas morning would be kinda busy with church and all, so why not have a leisurely evening and open all the super awesome amazingly fun presents I got for the kids and have something to actually do on Christmas Eve, right? RIGHT. It was great! We got games and movies and ate chocolate fondue (we needed something to wash down all the candy) - and best of all is that Santa still came with their Santa gift Saturday night - so the kids were still treated to one more awesome present and stocking goodies. It was glorious. I highly recommend this schedule :)

So it's kinda good news/bad news. Bad news: Due to my trip, I won't be posting some lame Christmas pictures until much later in the week. Good News: In honor of my trip tomorrow (and because it is Tuesday tomorrow- getting this in a little early):

(wait, maybe that was actually a bad news/bad news situation...)

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR AMERICAN ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS

(I really, really hope we get to visit #5)

10. Captain Blake's Liver Emporium
9. Madame Toussad's Wax Museum of Senate Minority Leaders
8. Oversized Funyun that looks like Ryan Seacrest
7. Secret Bunker for Obama's 14 Backup Teleprompters
6. Childhood home of Joy Behar
5. Four Square court built in the middle of an Iowa cornfield
4. The Wonderful World of Ferrett Fidoras
3. Halloween Costumes of Hollywood's most influential Best Boys
2. Photo Op with Pat Morita's hand twin
1. Little House of Cobras

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T16:52:00.012-05:00

Just wanted to take a minute to wish everyone a Merry Christmas from Sweeneyville! We have been having a wonderful Christmas break so far- too much to eat, too much to do, too much time to spend with family and friends - (oh, wait, is there such a thing?) - it really has been awesome. I honestly could keep another entire blog dedicated simply to cataloging all my blessings. They are seemingly without end. And among them, I definitely count all of you. Some of you I even count twice. Some of you half. And still others I count by a factor divisable by 12. Just kidding! It's actually a factor divisible by 13 :)

These two monkeys I definitely count a few times...

Hope you got everything you wanted this year! As for me, I realized I already had it :)

Are we positive it's really December?

2011-12-23T17:04:00.014-05:00

My temperature gadget over there says 82 degrees right now! Wow, I like warm weather, but whoever is praying for a mild winter, would you cut it out already? I am still running my A/C at night and that is completely uncalled for. (Actually, what the heck? It just came on it's only 5:15!) I can't pay my holiday bills unless I'm not running the A/C, you know? I'm not really complaining, though. I mean, yesterday I packed up the kids and went to the beach! With the possibility of actual swimming!! And it was kinda busy for the first day of Winter! (Actually, I noticed that, much like last December when we went to the beach, there were a lot of visitors there due to the local football bowl games going on- so there were a lot of Marshall fans there that day, fresh off the previous night's win in the "Beef O'Brady's Bowl.")

We stayed for about 4 hours and the kids were completely content to jump over waves, dig holes and beg me to bury them and give them all kinds of "legs."

Cindy of course requested the Mermaid tail... No problem!

Luke then told me he wanted "Iron Man Legs." Now, I'm not an expert on things of life, but here is a tip, Luke: when Mom is making you Iron Man Legs out of sand, it is probably NOT a good idea to say, "These don't look very good" and "I don't think these really are very good Iron Man Legs" while I am building them. It kind of kills my morale.

Besides, I thought they were awesome! So life-like!

And they were soon followed up by my even more awesomer SpongeBob Legs. I promise I didn't take a class that taught me how to do this, I am just super talented.

I also successfully taught my children the art of eating their lunch under a towel in order to fool the disgusting, evil, verminous seagulls that were scavenging all around us. I hate those guys. The seagulls, not my children.

It really was a good day. Lots of sun, a very strong sea breeze and not a cloud in the sky. Florida, you complete me :)

And I can't wait to give a little update tomorrow on how Luke, Grandpa Sweeney and Jacob all spent the day at Legoland today. From the texts and pictures I have gotten from Jacob, Luke might be a closet daredevil! No, seriously.

A Cindy Quickie

2011-12-22T09:09:00.007-05:00

During the indoor soccer game yesterday, I saw that I had missed a phone call. It was from DeAnne's house. The kids had actually spent the night with her the night before, so I knew that it was probably just Cindy calling me. However, I was worried that DeAnne might need us to come and get the kids in case she had to go somewhere, so I didn't call back but sent DeAnne a quick text telling her that we would be on our way back soon. DeAnne texted me back the following: "No rush- that was just Cindy calling you to tell you not to come." I love you too, Cindy :)

Wait, What Day Is It?

2011-12-22T08:36:00.011-05:00

Yeah, yeah. I missed yesterday's post completely, but today I will more than make up for it! Yesterday morning I went with Jacob and his girls soccer team to Kelly Rec Center to play indoor soccer in their annual Christmas Cup tourney. I was really nervous about playing with the girls. I don't really know a lot of them, and I haven't played soccer in many moons so I didn't want to look like some kind of soccer tard and embarass myself. But I can say that it went well. All my running and P90X paid off and I was actually able to keep up with them and play like I had some soccer experience. I guess later at the Varsity Christmas party last night (which I did not attend) the girls were asking Jacob "Who was that girl that played with us this morning?" Really? Who did they think I was? Some girl off the street that showed up with coach? His girlfriend? Maybe it was my straight hair and un-makeup'd face, but sometimes I wonder about those girls...

And now for something completely Bingham

I don't know what Chris has in his hands or why his bathrobe seems to be filled with something to make him a very burly Joseph, but the overall strangeness of this photo makes perfect sense. I think I was a junior or senior in high school in this one???

I like Dad branching out with the striped comforter we had yet to use. Exciting!

Doesn't Chris look majestic in Mom's bathrobe? And I am still the angel! Dave taking the photo maybe?

I must be taking the picture in this one...

I think these four photos bring me to twelve, but I still have a few more that need to make an appearance. I'll see what I can do over the next day or two. I am headed to the beach today, I got some movies I need to watch, I'm finishing up all my Christmas wrapping tomorrow- I'm swamped!

O Little Town of 12 Top Tens

2011-12-20T14:32:00.011-05:00

Just in case you missed last year's 12 Days of Christmas here in Sweeneyville, I am just giving you a friendly reminder that it did feature 12 Awesome Christmas-themed Top Ten Lists. If you need a refresher, check out any of the links below. I won't lie and say I didn't laugh my head off re-reading these this morning. But then again, I wrote most of them, so I would hope I found them funny.

Top Ten...

Alternatives to a Lump of Coal
Off-season Elf Jobs
Signs You Hate Christmas
Carols Sung at Hogwarts
Ways to Mispronounce How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Rejected Christmas Cereals
Other Things Stolen By the Grinch
Little Known Grinch Facts
Worst Christmas Gifts
Surprising Fruitcake Ingredients
Reindeer That Will Not Be Pulling Santa's Sleigh
Leftovers From All the Top Tens

And now, because it is Tuesday, here is one more for your reading pleasure:

TOP TEN THINGS I AM MOST EXCITED ABOUT FOR THE UPCOMING NBA SEASON

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Jimmer

Squeaking It In

2011-12-19T21:49:00.005-05:00

You can see why I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to get this picture on the blog today...Behold! My chubby phase! Yes, this picture obviously skips a few years since yesterday's picture, but Dad gets the beard going again, you can see my pet parakeet in the lower right hand corner and Brian does a fabulous job in his impersonation of Frauline Maria. I think this was the Christmas right before Dave left on his mission, so he was about to wake up to an awesome trench coat and a lot of socks. Lucky!!

A Dad Quickie

2011-12-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

On Saturday my parents and I attended a white elephant gift Christmas party. When it was my mom's turn to go up and open a present, she got a fruitcake. When she announced what she got my dad yelled out, "A fruitcake? Hasn't this poor woman suffered enough?!" Indeed, it is just like the comedian Jim Gaffigan says, "It just doesn't add up. Fruit: good. Cake: great. Fruitcake: Nasty crap."

Oh, What a Night!

2011-12-18T15:23:00.018-05:00

To say we have been busy over the past few days is an understatement. In fact, I can prove we have been really busy and that is by the fact that Luke has slept in his clothes for the past three nights in a row. I am such a pajama freak that I can't even believe I let that slide. THREE NIGHTS! Poor kid is gonna need therapy... But luckily things are about to hit a nice even pace for a week. Jacob and the kids are out of school and we still have some parties and fun things scheduled, but nothing like last week. Oh, and I just have to give a huge shout out once again to my awesome parents for helping with the kids through all that madness - taking Luke to gymnastics, babysitting, taking them to see lights - you guys are the best!

Okay, back to business!

Nativity Pictures #6 and #7

Finally! Brian arrives! And he makes his entrance as baby Jesus, of course. (On a side note- I am not a betting woman, but something tells me that President Obama would be partial to playing that role year after year.)

And I know this is a horribly fuzzy and non-focused picture, (and my mom is groaning looking at it probably) but it's all I got for the following year??

Last night was also the infamous white elephant gift Christmas party for 2011. This year I decided to re-gift the Frankie Avalon self-tanning set that I got at the same party 3 years ago. And would you like to guess who ended up with that? DeAnne! I'm so sorry, DeAnne! Really. Truly. I mean it. (Although Karl did end up with "Satan's Snowman" so you still made out like bandits...) It was also kind of determined at the end that that the other gift we brought was pretty much the worst one and that was simply an 8X10 framed picture of Elvis. There is simply no love for The King anymore! Another highlight of the party had to be when my dad went up to open a gift and before my mom could flag him down to tell him to stop what he was doing, he had already opened the gift they brought. Rimshot!

However, it was nothing short of pure magic when I opened up my gift because I happened to pick one from Rich and Lisa McKendrick, who search year-round, I am sure, for their white elephant treasures. They are yard sale-ing legends in these parts and they never disappoint with what they are able to find. When I opened my box and saw what was inside, I could not stop laughing. I seriously almost was in tears because this item was just simply the most tacky, weird, wonderful and baffling gift. Truly it belongs in the front display case of the "Why do you exist?" Store. So here it is:

It's a decorative Troll Plate! And best of all is that it is: (and I quote) "Plate one in the hand-numbered collection "Monday's Troll is Fair of Face..." Why, troll plate? WHY?

At one point Jacob did own a XXL Snuggie (which he did try on backwards and he was one good lookin' Jedi, if I do say so myself), but that was stolen and we ended up with a snazzy "Planet Earth" DVD from the Discovery Channel. Not bad!

And speaking of things that make no sense, here is what Cindy has been up to for the last few hours:

Dressing herself up with Hot Wheels track. That weirdo Lady Gaga hasn't thought of this yet! HA!

Meow

2011-12-16T16:24:00.003-05:00

This was named funniest commercial of the year by TBS. And it is about cats. Cat people, 1, Dog People, 0.

Mambo #5 (where Mambo is code for Nativity)

2011-12-16T16:08:00.007-05:00

This was definitely our first Christmas in Lakeland, which was 1987? Chris now has the open chested white linen robe, Dad is now sporting a rockin' beard, Dave is a shepherd pulling a ridiculous face, and I still got that nightgown and I'm still the angel. Good thing we took pictures of these every year because otherwise we could have never pieced together what we probably looked like.

And patience Brian, you will soon make your appearance...

Four Squares

2011-12-15T11:43:00.010-05:00

Day 4~

I am not 100% sure where we were living for this one. Kansas City? Miami? Lakeland? My guess is Miami because Dave is looking very tan and casual in his white linen robe. I do remember how much I loved that nightgown, though. It came in handy while playing the angel, which was my favorite part to play year after year. Even if it was typecasting...

The Truth Comes Out

2011-12-14T13:34:00.008-05:00

My sister-in-law Misty left a comment on yesterday's Nativity picture laughing at Dave (her husband) and his expression. She mused, "I wonder what he was plotting." As luck would have it, I was having a conversation with my Dad as to that very thing. I think it was something like this:

Time to fess up, Dave! You knew exactly what you were doing.

And as for today's pictures:

Day 3~

This year we had Aunt Lori (mom's sister) as Mary - with the blue shawl - and Grandma Widdowson (mom's mom) joining Chris on shepherd duty.

Which is apparently pretty hard, what with all the time you have to split between tending the sheep and playing Atari...

Freedom

2011-12-14T09:07:00.008-05:00

"I have fought a good a fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith."

I know you thought this day would never come, Mom, but it's finally here! YOU DID IT! And we all love you :)

BONUS!

2011-12-13T14:14:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure Jacob has never said any of these. Well, maybe #11, but those were suicides, not push ups...

TOP TWELVE THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR COACH:

12. Are you on this team?
11. Drop and give me 4,260!
10. Thanks for trying out, you made the team that trims my toenails
9. Tebow, if you turn that Gatorade into wine one more time, you're sitting the bench!
8. That cup ain't for drinkin' with, son
7. Of course I am qualified to coach you, I was a community organizer and that makes you qualified for anything
6. Welcome to the Penn State Football Team, my name is Jerry
5. Dude, I crawled all over inside your box of Lucky Charms last night. Oh wait, that's something you never want to hear from a roach, sorry....
4. Practice will start as soon as the alien that abducted me last night gives me back my clipboard
3. Hold on, give me that back- that XXXL jersey is WAY too small for you
2. Whoa, whoa, whoa...slow down there. So when it's 3&2 it's 3 balls and two strikes?
1. Great practice, see you in 12 years

Does This Shawl Make Me Look 3?

2011-12-13T07:24:00.000-05:00

Day 2~

I believe this to be the nativity for the year following the one I posted the picture of yesterday, but I can't be totally sure.

Loving my dad's curls in this picture. And the boys' jammies. And those TV rabbit ears. And the groovy curtains. And by the way Jacob, this is why our children cannot sleep unless they are wearing official "pajamas." I never slept in regular clothes. I would have died.

And I really love my dad's record player there on the speaker behind us. Totally explains my obssession for music :)

Never Fear!

2011-12-12T12:56:00.005-05:00

I am aware that my just-announced 12 Days of Sweeneyville walk down memory lane might not be all that exciting to everyone, so in order to avoid boring both of my readers to death, you can be assured that I will still be sprinkling the blog with the usual entertaining posts about nothing. For example:

Well, they can.

The 12 Days Of Sweeneyville

2011-12-12T12:14:00.009-05:00

From now until Christmas Eve, I will be posting a picture or two from my Christmas past. These pictures are mostly of the Nativity that my family and I acted out each year on Christmas Eve until we all grew up and moved out of the house. And I might mix in some other things I can find. Like this one of me when I was almost 2. I love the fact that most of the ornaments on that tree behind me are still on my parents' Christmas tree at this very moment :) And yes, I am taking liberties, but these pictures must be preserved in the annals of my family history.

Day 1~

I am pretty sure that this is the earliest Nativity picture we have. I am about two and Chris just turned four. I would just like everyone to watch the costumes over the years and how they change from person to person and the combinations that we came up with. We are very creative! And consistent :)

We Got Mugged!

2011-12-11T18:06:00.002-05:00

You know how the sand in an hour glass seems to run out six times faster right at the end? That's me and the end of 2011. Holy smokes, Christmas is in 2 weeks! Good thing my shopping is done :) This week however, is going to be VERY busy. Parties, soccer games, church meetings, a trip to the airport, wedding reception, cleaning my house, still exercising every day to avoid gaining a million pounds from my relentless consumption of Christmas goodies in all their varieties...Whew! I am already exhausted! One very excellent thing to observe in all this chaos however, is the fact that our 7 day forecast does not include a high temperature below 77 degrees. I am in love! But, there was this one day last week where it was kinda sorta cold enough to break out a surprise gift I got for our family. Okay, Sean. Again, don't be too jealous...

(And I am not talking about my ravishing good looks, my awesome sleep shirt or my bookworm glasses in this picture...)

Star Wars cocoa mugs! And one day in the distant future (hopefully before Cindy leaves for BYU)when the weather once again takes a dip, you can bet we will be using these again :)

And just how does Millenium Falcon cocoa taste? It may not look like much, but it's got it where it counts...

By the way, I saw they sell these mugs at Walmart- 2 mugs for about $8, but I found these bad boys at Big Lots and got 4 mugs and cocoa for $10 :)

True Christmas Confessions

2011-12-10T06:16:00.000-05:00

I HATE Candy Canes.

And the song "The Christmas Shoes."

And the way the guy says "goose" in the third verse of "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer."

And actually the whole song of "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer."

And I don't like fudge.

And it's borderline painful for me to drink hot chocolate that is not reduced calorie or sugar free.

And I absolutely hate it when anyone utters the phrase "Happy Kwanzaa" because we all know that this is a made up "holiday" and there is not one human being on planet earth that celebrates Kwanzaa, let alone celebrates it instead of Christmas.

And secretly, deep down, in my heart of hearts, I hate singing Silent Night at church. Regular people should not sing this song. The song is so beautiful that really only professionals can make it sound like it should. The unskilled simply destroy it.

On the other hand...

I LOVE advent calendars. (Jacob is currently leading our family, 2-0-0-0.)

And never giving Cindy a straight answer about whether or not there is actually a Santa Claus.

And that scene in Elf where he jumps into the Christmas tree to put the star on.

And my yearly quest for a good soccer-themed Christmas ornament and adding it to my collection.

And getting my yearly ornament from the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma. Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito!

And taking two weeks to decide whether or not to put Christmas lights on my house and so by that time it's too late to put them up anyway.

And the irony of people feeling inconvenienced that this year we have to actually go to church on Christmas Day. Ugh!

And watching the Grinch's heart grow three sizes ♥

And most of all, hearing my mom use the phrase, "Okay, Dad and I are really going to cut back and not spend as much on Christmas this year" and then getting the same amount of presents we always have, if not more :)

Another thing I was thinking about is whether or not it was possible to find different versions of Christmastime songs I hate and whether those versions could make me like them. I have to say that this version of "Wonderful Christmastime" by Jars of Clay doesn't suck. I didn't say it was awesome, but I can tolerate it. Unlike the original song by Paul McCartney that makes me want to drive my car off a cliff.

p.s. Despite the fact they are a Christian rock band and I don't agree with all their personal politics, I think I have a slight crush on Jars of Clay. Love, love, LOVE that guy's voice :)

and if you have Spotify, Almost Christmas by Jars of Clay is really blowing me away right now...

Luke Quickies

2011-12-07T11:46:00.001-05:00

The other day I was helping Cindy get ready for soccer practice. She asked me to put on her shinguards, then her socks, then help her get her bag ready, and then she even asked me to fill up her water bottle. I was a little exasperated and said, "What am I, your butler?" Luke happened to be right there and when I said that word and he made a funny little chuckle under his breath. I told him what it meant and he seemed to understand. Then later that evening, I heard Cindy and Luke playing together in his room. It was the regular playtime chatter until I heard Luke say real loud, "What am I, your butt-roller?" Good times :)

Sunday my mom had given the kids a pack of paper ornaments that they could color and give to people. Luke told me that he was going to color all of them and give them to all the kids in his preschool class. I told him, however, that there were only 9 ornaments and that would not be enough for everyone. Luke didn't see a problem and told me, "Then I will just give one to the kids I like and there will be enough." Ahh, the Spirit of Christmas is alive and well in Sweeneyville!

A Parade of Top Ten Awesomeness

2011-12-06T13:35:00.000-05:00

Great news everyone! I can officially say that both my children have been in a parade and they will no longer need to put that experience on their bucket list. Last Thursday night was the Lakeland Christmas Parade and a good friend of ours asked us if we wanted to ride on an old-time fire truck sponsored by his law firm. (McKendrick Law: Representing the Naughty and the Nice Since 1999. Ha! I love that slogan :) Anyway, we jumped at the chance, and so Cindy, Luke and I got to smile, wave and say Merry Christmas to the throngs of adoring fans. And Luke got to almost have his bladder explode during the last 1/2 mile stretch. Seriously, I took Luke to the bathroom twice before the parade started, but of course, he had to go when there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it. Poor kid was in tears by the time we got off the parade route. But at least he is a boy and so as soon as we could get off the truck and find a good bush, all was well :)

I didn't take any spectacular pictures, including any of the fire truck itself (how did I neglect that?), but here are a few I snapped while my decision making skills were functioning at at least 49%.

Cindy, Maddie Adams, and Luke in the background. We were up on the fire truck for a while waiting for our turn...

I thought my antlers were pretty stylin'! And yes, it was 62 degrees so we dressed in our eskimo best.

Cindy and Maddie. Yes, I do own a scarf so I gave it to Cindy.

Luke and Justin chillin' like villians.

The parade itself was quite the show. I hadn't been to this parade since I was a twinkle in my father's eye. There were 140 entries and we were number 68. There were soooo many people there- somewhere of about 30,000 people according to the paper. And I would say that only a good, whopping .01 percent of them were smiling and looking like they were happy to be alive. Seriously, those Lakelanders were a rough-looking crowd! Probably because they all had not yet gone to the tent I saw that was selling the Deep Fried Oreos. We almost had to stop the fire truck for that one :)

For those who are really bored, if you go to 9 minutes into the video- you will see the fire truck. This is just a video we found on YouTube taken by a random stranger. Isn't technology wonderful that you can steal videos from people you don't know and share them as your own? :)

And speaking of parades, did you catch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade a few weeks ago? Standards are falling quickly up there...

TOP TEN WORST BALLOONS FROM THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

10. Justin Beiber's Hair
9. US Capitol Building (comes pre-filled with enough hot air to last 10 years)
8. Lacey the disgruntled TGIFridays hostess
7. Lint-covered candy cane from Santa's pocket
6. Rudolph, the One-eyed Reindeer
5. Coca-cola polar bear dying in the hot, hot sun
4. Obama's Ego (Oh wait, that's way too big to fit in the streets of New York)
3. A deflated Kris Humphries
2. Festive clogged artery sponsored by McDonald's
1. Grinch bunions

(thanks to Dad and Dave for thier contributions- #s 4 and 8, respectively)

For Santa

2011-12-05T01:32:00.001-05:00

Found the camera - it was tucked away in the recesses of the couch. Cash rewards have ZERO effect on my children, by the way...

Luke finally reminded me enough times that I remembered to sit down and help him write his letter to Santa. I explained that we can ask Santa for three things but he only chooses one to bring you. Luke was not very fond of this idea. He would like Santa to bring everything and so what is so hard about that, huh? Well, I made an exception and he got to ask for four things. Take a look at Luke's deepest wishes...

"Dear Santa, I want a green ranger or new iron mam or star wars backpack or star wars book that I never ever had before. Love, Luke"

Luke was apparently very worried about the big guy re-gifting from his own bookshelf.

And I'm shamelessly proud of Luke for knowing all his letters! He wrote the entire letter himself, I only told him how to spell everything. He is such a smartie :)

And finally Cindy wrote her letter as well. I was very curious to see this one. It usually includes three things I have never heard of in my life. Here is what she ended up with:

"Zobblesand" is not some kind of new play-doh. It actually means "zoobles and"- zoobles being those little animal pop-out thingys that she even asked for last year. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. And so does Santa, because picking one of these three is gonna be pretty darn easy :)

TBA

2011-12-03T15:54:00.002-05:00

I have lost my camera- as soon as it is located and I offer a big enough reward to my children for finding it (although I am pretty darn sure one of them is to blame for its disappearance in the first place)- I will resume with regular Sweeneyville programming...

For Sean

2011-12-01T11:35:00.006-05:00

Getting out the Star Wars M&M ornaments this year was WAY more exciting than last year. Luke wanted to play with these guys much more than put them on the tree. Here is the Boba Fett. Try not to be too jealous, Sean. Besides, what we have to show you next will really make you green with envy. Stay tuned!

And thanks Mom for giving us your old tree this year! It is about a thousand times nicer and bigger than the little one we had and considering how the stand totally broke last year, this gift was just in time :)

Goodie Bag

2011-11-29T12:55:00.009-05:00

No, I am not dead. Do not adjust your browsers. It has really been since Friday that I blogged. I just had a very busy/lazy/relaxing weekend. Which led to a very busy catching up kind of Monday yesterday and now finds me on a very Holy Crud! Is it actually Tuesday? kind of Tuesday. So here is a little mixed goodie bag of a bunch of different things...

Just for posterity:

A few weeks ago Cindy won an essay contest for Polk County Family Week. I pretty much forced her to do the essay, she was the only one in her school that entered, she was ready to disown me and live with a new family because of how hard and annoying it was (yeah, 75 words was a near-death experience)- but in the end it was worth it :) Congratulations to Cindy!

(I love how the blowing flag is covering up the other two kids that got 2nd and 3rd. Chumps!)

2 Luke Quickies

We rented the new Winnie the Pooh Movie the other day for the kids. Luke has never ever been really interested in Winnie the Pooh. I kept asking him if I should rent it and he kept saying no. Finally, I got it anyway and brought it home and he yet again kept telling me he does not like Winnie the Pooh!!! I asked him why and he finally said, I just don't like it because his name is POOH! Oh, Luke :) I asked him if we should call him Winnie the Roger instead, but I am not sure he got my joke.

Luke did actually get sucked in and watched the whole movie. (It's very cute and not very long) At the end he was telling me about his favorite part. I love it when he can't remember the names of characters because he just describes them. So Luke's favorite part of Winnie the Pooh was when they tied a balloon on "the horse-dog's" tail. The horse-dog being Eeyore :)

And speaking of Luke, today I made him wear jeans and would you believe that he FINALLY fits into the 3T Levi's he got two Christmases ago???? NO. WAY.

Thanksgiving Movie Review

Besides that Winnie that Pooh movie, we watched 5 other movies during our Thanksgiving break. That is not a typo, I watched 5 movies. Well, watched/slept through 5 movies. Still, it was a holiday miracle! So here's what we saw...

Captain America- I fell asleep at the end and woke up right when he runs out into Times Square with Nick Fury. So it was a little confusing, but the eye candy that is Chris Evans MORE than makes up for that. Wowzers :)

Green Lantern- I pretty much fell asleep at the beginning and didn't see anything else. Jacob thought it was better than Captain America on account of it was way more exciting and not as tame. Captain America is still much better looking than Ryan Reynolds, however. According to me, not Jacob. I don't think he has an opinion on that.

Super 8- I did not fall asleep at all in this movie! Which certifies it as completely interesting and non-predictable. I loved this movie! The kid actors were incredible and JJ Abrams can still do no wrong. The language is a little strong, but a fun film nonetheless.

Pirates of the Caribbean 4- I heard some reviews that this movie was really awful so I guess my expectations being really low made this movie surprisingly average! To me it was almost exactly like the first movie only different actors on a different quest. (But just as much, if not more, eyeliner.) Jack Sparrow doesn't have as many of those one liners that you just love about him and the screenplay is not as punchy, but it's worth the dollar to rent for sure.

Unknown- I fell asleep during the middle and then woke up for the end. And in this movie plot, that will confuse the living daylights out of you. I had Jacob explain it to me and I actually thought it was really, really clever! It's kinda violent and not a real pick-me-upper kind of a movie, but very original, I have to say.

As we speak the kids and I are hard at work on putting up the Christmas tree. If Cindy were as dedicated to soccer as she is about holiday decorating, I would be overseas right now watching her play with the Women's National Team. She does not mess around :)

And finally, Top Ten Tuesday has been rescheduled as Top Ten Thursday. And might be officially changed to Top Ten Every Other Tuesday.

See how busy I have been?? This is exactly why I don't watch movies. They are blog killers.

A Luke Quickie- With Visual Aid Bonus!

2011-11-25T21:45:00.009-05:00

The other day I went to CVS with Luke. When we got up to the counter to pay for our stuff, there was a giant stocking hanging up in the air behind the register. Behold Exhibit A:

He saw it and thought it was highly amusing, so while laughing he said to me, "Hey Mom, look at that giant Santa Leg!" Therefore in the Sweeney household, they shall not be known as stockings, we shall hereby call them Santa Legs. So don't forget to hang your Santa Legs over the chimney and to get plenty of Santa Leg stuffers for the little ones. And if you make me some Christmas cookies, my favorite ones are the Santa Legs :)

Will Run For Food

2011-11-24T20:09:00.017-05:00

I thought that while I sit here completely bloated and ready to explode (and waiting for any online Black Friday action to hit the Internet), I could do a little blogging. Because moving my fingers is about all I want to do right now. Wow, it is amazing just how different I am feeling now compared to this morning. Once again, dark and early, I dragged Cindy over to Lithia to run with me in a Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot 5K and Fun Run. And once again I have the greatest father on planet earth, who not only drove me there at the crack of dawn (on his Thanksgiving morning), bought Cindy some hot cocoa, took pictures, held all my stuff, bought Cindy shaved iced AND bought us some breakfast afterwards. Seriously! He is the BEST :)

This year there were over 1600 runners. Isn't that ridiculous?! It was so crowded on the starting gun that it took almost half a mile before I could run at my normal pace, which is a little frustrating because I know my time suffered. Grrrr. But on the other hand I felt amazing during the entire run and felt like I really pushed myself, especially toward the end, which is usually my weakness. Final results will be posted tomorrow, but I ran somewhere about 27 minutes. I realized that I have missed the adrenaline of a real race. It is so much fun to pass the super fit gym rats, weave in and out of traffic and especially fun to toast some unsuspecting people right at the finish line. Ha! I think I took out 7 people in the last 20 yards with a supersonic sprint that no one saw coming! Hi-yah!

And my turkey hat was a big success after the race- I got several compliments, tons of smiles and even one person took my picture :) And here are a few of mine from the race:

Post race exhaustion (and you can kinda see Cindy's shorter new haircut too)

Cindy got a shirt this year! Score! And it isn't ugly! Double score! And it fits! THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

Cindy did a 250 yard dash and she came in 5th. I totally force her to do this race and she completely hates running, but at least she is a good sport and moves when the gun goes off :)

Done! Yay!

Getting a picture with the big guy himself. That hat was the best $2 I ever spent :)

I do want to say that we had a great Thanksgiving this year. Lots of food. Lots of relaxing. Lots of football watching. Some backyard activities and most importantly a high of 76 and no real need to wear pants. Wait, that came out all wrong. I meant no real need to wear pants, instead of shorts.That's much better. Although maybe I should have taken a page out of the Joey Tribbiani handbook of life and at least have worn maternity pants to dinner. The extra room would have come in handy :)

And the Winners Are...

2011-11-23T12:14:00.001-05:00

It's that special time of year once again! It's the results of the annual Polk County Thanksgiving Food Drive! My dad is in charge of collecting, sorting and dividing up all the donations each year, which means I get to showcase all the bizzare, odd and otherwise mistfying things people try to give. Without further ado, here are this year's award winners:

"Tender Rounds: a Vegetable and Grain Protein Product." Well, that clears things right up, doesn't it?

And you were buying just the regular old sweet potato-flavored kind. BO-RING!

Because we needed a detective to figure out what this was: Adult Dog Food. Well, it is the turkey and potato formula, so it does make sense in a Thanksgiving-y kind of way. But in absolutely every other way, NO it's horrible.

Really?

"....Well, I don't want to give the WHOLE box of soup. One packet should be plenty. No one likes to each that much seaweed in one sitting anyway...."

I am not going to say one thing about this :)

According to the label on the back, and I quote: "Baconnaise is the continuing story of two bacon fanatics (Justin and Dave) who won some money on America's Funniest Home Videos and decided to use it to make everything taste like bacon." If nothing else, you gotta admit this would taste awesome on a day-after-Thanksgiving turkey sandwich. Or a hamburger. Or fries. Or lasagna. Or scrambled eggs. Or an ice cream sundae.

And the big winner...

First off, why would you even HAVE a 4-year-old package of microwave popcorn you took from the Residence Inn? And what on earth goes through your mind when you think about putting it in the donation box? Probably, "Look at me, people! I am a giver! Especially of things I got for free which are not edible by man."

Not a bad year! Nothing has yet to top the Pokemon ball we got last year, though. Well, gotta run. Got some tender rounds in gravy cooking on the stove and later we are gonna watch a movie with some aged popcorn and Coke. Happy Thanksgiving to us!

And This is Why I Live Here

2011-11-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Jacob and I drove to Clermont and did a little jetskiing on their chain of lakes. It was sunny with a high of 84 :) I didn't think to bring my good camera along (on account of it possibly taking a swim), so I only managed a few shots with my camera phone- which does an okay job when you compare it with the option of having nothing to show for yourself. We had an absolute blast! Despite discovering that jetskiiing, like car trips, makes me a little motion sick unless I am the driver. Who knew?

Here is Jacob driving off after leaving me on a random dock. I decided to let Jacob have 30 minutes to himself on the jetski to drive like a maniac without the threat of me tossing my cookies in his general area. And hey, how about them clouds? They were excellent for shape searching. I saw a dragon and a cow.

Yes, Brian, those are still the sunglasses from Spain you gave me. They are the best!

We did this because Jacob had never done it before and I thought it would be a fun way to spend our Thanksgiving break. Oh, and I got it for a screamin' deal on Groupon. And speaking of Groupon...

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR GROUPON OFFERS

10. $20 for $5 worth of pizza
9. Half Off Integrity for Dummies course taught by Joe Paterno
8. 50% off a three-night stay in an Occupy Wall Street tent
7. 2 for 1 admissions to World of Wolverines Petting Zoo
6. Half off self-guided tour of the Clinton Obama "Grope 'n' Hope" Museum
5. $40 off six sessions of teeth yellowing
5. Buy one get one free on any entree at International House of Haggis
4. $10 for $30 worth of gerbil shoes
3. $25 off whole house lint removal
2. 2 for 1 gift baskets at Squids, Mollusks and More
1. Half off dog shellacking

(thanks to Dad and Dave for your input :)

And get ready! Because tomorrow I will be giving out awards for items received in this year's annual county food drive!! It really is the most wonderful time of the year :)

And Things Were Going So Well...

2011-11-20T14:12:00.002-05:00

Well, I was really sure I was going to rock the turkey hat challenge- with no skipped days, no misses- but alas, my schedule is not cooperating :( I have been swamped with projects the past few days so I am going to have to play catch up from now until Thanksgiving. Which will be totally easy with Jacob and the kids being out of school for the entire next week, right? Well, it's my blog and I'll change the turkey hat challenge if I want to :) In the mean time, here is a small report on Legoland...

Cindy and I had a blast there last Thursday. Her whole second grade got invited to check it out for $5. Suh-weet! I think this park is absolutely perfect for kids her age and younger. And especially those with weak constitutions and those who are scared of riding anything that even looks like it might go over 1 mph. I conned Cindy into going on one roller coaster at the beginning of the day and after that I was on her shun list. She thought she was going to die and will never forgive me for almost ending her short life. Oh, the humanity!!!

However, after that near-death experience, we walked around the corner and found this ride (for very small children), where all you do is sit on a horse as it barely teeters back and forth on a track. She saw it and said, "Now THIS is more like it!"

There were only three kids in the whole class who didn't have a parent come with them, so I did actually have to chaperone for a few hours. Here is Cindy and her friend Priscilla outside one of the many rides that Cindy wouldn't go on.

The double-decker carousel was a big hit. (Although it did not have any music! What gives?) I did it twice, which was two times too many :) What can I say? I'm old and the lining in my brain is drying out. I just can't tolerate centrifugal force any more. I know my limits and I gladly accept them.

Look who we found!

I was constantly amazed by the stuff they can make out of Legos. Cindy, well, not so much...

Our Legoland used to be Cypress Gardens, which was a botanical gardens/amusement park/water ski place, so a lot of that stuff is still part of this new park. We ate our lunch under this giant shaded amphitheater, which had a great view of the Lego Pirates Water Ski Show, which is right on Lake Eloise. (Consequently, this is the exact place I did my first triathlon all those years ago :) Plus the breeze was blowing and it was absolutely a fantastic place to stop and take a break.

Southern Belles used to roam the old Cypress Gardens park, so this Lego creation was totally appropriate.

Cindy actually only rode about 5 rides in the entire park. She is a girl that knows what she likes and does not deviate from that plan of attack. The one ride we could not stay off of was Boating School. Although it DID provide me with ample opportunities to make endless Spongebob and Mrs. Puff references, and that was a source of much amusement for myself. The whole ride is just driving a little boat through this little winding canal. The boat is actually not on a track, so you really do have to push the gas pedal and steer it, otherwise you get all backwards and clog up the whole operation. Cindy was a great driver! I offered her $1 if she could navigate the entire course without hitting the side, but she missed it just by a hair. She did take her revenge by constantly steering me under the squirting pelican. I'll get you, Gadget!

And that was our day at Legoland. Can't wait for Luke to have a day there. He is gonna love it!

Why I Am So Far Behind...

2011-11-18T11:10:00.008-05:00

I was out playing with Cindy all day yesterday, but in order to start catching up over the next few days...

I'll Wear Your Turkey Hat, Sam I am

This is Sam, who also works with my dad. Cool points for Sam for already being familiar with my blog and telling me that I "always come up with the funnest things on there!" Why, thank you, sir!

And as soon as I have any free time, more goodies will magically appear :)

Oh, Fate! You are so fun!

2011-11-16T14:45:00.007-05:00

Definition of the phrase "It's a small world": When you go down to your Dad's office to set up Karaoke for his Thanksgiving party and he tells you that one of his co-workers would love to wear your Turkey Hat and when the co-worker comes around the corner you realize that she was one of your enumerators back when you were a Census supervisor in 2010.

This is Michelle and we really did work the Census together :) What are the odds!!?

A High School Quickie

And now, an even more awesome picture that came from a camera phone. The following picture was taken by Jacob during his 2nd period class. These two guys, WHO SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER and aren't that good of friends, came in on the same day, WEARING THE SAME SHIRT.

I get all smiley and happy every time I see that picture. Because you know that MADE Jacob's day:) And it ain't every day you get to teach TWO Waldo's in one class...

P.S.

2011-11-15T16:58:00.003-05:00

TOP ONE REASON THERE WILL NOT BE A TOP TEN ON THE BLOG TODAY

1. I thought it was Monday

No, seriously...

Where Wearing Turkey Hats is a Pleasure

2011-11-15T14:44:00.000-05:00

From the beginning of this challenge, I knew that I was going to get a Publix bagger to wear the hat. I knew it! And you want to know why? Because Publix is the most awesome store for customer service in the grocery world. Pretty much there isn't anything they won't do for you. Including wearing hats that resemble cooked fowl. Plus, this guy happened to be a Bartow High Alum so 15 extra cool points for him! In your dreams, Winn-Dixie...

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2011-11-14T16:20:00.008-05:00

(Our neighbor, Mark)

Hey, Neighbor! Just wanted to say thanks for being so kind to us. You know, for kicking back all the balls we have kicked over your fence, for letting my daughter play at your house every single day for hours after school, for letting my kids use your trampoline and pool and for inviting us to your gymnastics party. In fact, just because we think so much of you, I am going to ask you to wear this hat. So we're pretty much even now, right?

A Luke Quickie

While in the car today waiting for Cindy to get off the bus, Luke found the finisher's medal I got at the 5K I ran on Saturday. He asked me what it was for so I told him it was from my race. Then he casually asked me, "What kind of race was it? Like on a horse.....or...what?" I couldn't stop laughing. Although my time for a 5K on a horse would KILL!

Turkey Cutlet

2011-11-13T20:29:00.000-05:00

Tonight was haircut night here in Sweeneyville. Jacob cut Luke's hair first (which he did a fabulous job, I might add) and then I gave Jacob his once-every-two-weeks trim. I was either going to charge him $12.95 plus tip for haircut, or he had to wear the Turkey Hat. It was a lot closer of a decision that you might think...

(Luke had just woken up from an almost 4-hour nap, so he wasn't too excited about the hat either ;)

Two Things I Forgot

2011-11-13T19:55:00.016-05:00

These pics need to be included in the Sweeneyville book, so even though this is shameless backblogging, nevertheless, it must be done.

HALLOWEEN PARADE

Halloween festivities always officially start with the Bartow Halloween Parade outside of Grandma Bingham's office on Broadway. This year Grandpa Bingham got to come too! YAY!

The parade seemed much shorter than the ones in year's past, but this parade did have one thing we had yet to see previously-

The General Lee! Now all we need is some banjo music and a case of moonshine to smuggle over the county line before Sheriff Judd gets his hands on us.

The kids got tons of candy and Luke practically had to take a nap halfway through.

Cindy and Maddie :)

HALLOWEEN NIGHT

We attended a wonderful trick-or-treating party over at a friend's house on Halloween night and my kids had the time of their lives! Friends, pizza, candy, stories, goody bags, running around, dogs and cats living together- it was mass hysteria! We actually got out and went door-to-door trick-or-treating, which went from "Whoo-hoo!!" to "Mom, can you hold absolutely all my stuff and carry me?" in zero to 5 seconds for Luke. I think he made it about 5 houses before he was ready to call it a night :) But we had to make a pit stop over at Grandma and Grandpa Bingham's to show off the costumes first.

One more picture of the Buns of Glory!!!

Two houses over from my parents, there is a house that always gets really into Halloween and this year they had set up a mini haunted house. So my dad walked down with me and the kids to check it out. In reality, on a scale of 1 to 10 for scariness, this house was about a 1. The kids, on the other hand, thought it was at least a 60 and were on the brink of death just deciding whether to look inside of it. Finally they mustered the courage to walk through and by the end they were doing laps. I will say that the guy had an absolutely awesome bubble machine that was blowing bubbles that had fog inside them! When you popped them, the smoke would come out and vaporize. It was straight out of a Harry Potter movie- so, so cool!

Okay, I am all caught up on Halloween! Stay tuned for "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" and, of course, LOTS more Turkey Hats :)

As you were...

I. AM. BEAT.

2011-11-12T20:01:00.007-05:00

Today has been a marathon of a day, and for Jacob it is still not over yet! We attended the big Polk County Family week kickoff celebration event over in Winter Haven this morning like we do every year, but this time I was running the 5K while Jacob was setting up our sound equipment for the event. I was there with the kids til 1:30pm, but in the mean time Jacob was coaching his high school soccer team at Winter Haven High School at noon. Then he came back by the event to grab Cindy and drive to Brandon to coach her team. After cleaning up at Polk Family week I then went to Brandon with all the sound equipment to watch Cindy's game. After eating dinner as a family afterward, Jacob then had to leave to DJ a Single Adult dance, also in Brandon, where he is at this exact moment. What a day! I am too tired to even blog about any of the details. So here is the telegram version of today's events and one day I might explain it all...

5K good. Too short. Placed first! Stop.

Cindy won essay contest. Stop. Too much prize money. Stop.

McKeel team tied. Now 1-1-3. Stop.

DeAnne is an angel. Stop. You already knew that. Stop.

Cindy's team lost. Strong performance for her. Very proud. Stop.

Been outside all day. Stop. Tired. Wind burnt. Exhausted. When will this day...Stop?

And here is the Turkey Hat picture of the day, which is taking all of my remaining energy to post. You're welcome :)

This is Denise, one of the hygienists who works in the dentist office with my mom. Taking this picture was almost painful for her because she says she NEVER has her picture taken. EVER. She says anytime someone takes one of her and then sends it to her, she deletes it. She says she hardly has any pictures of her at all. That makes me sad! Does anyone else do that? I hope not! I mean, come on, Denise, look at this picture! I can't think of a single reason you wouldn't want another human being to see it! But just to humor your crazy insecurities, this blog post will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Only a True Friend Would Make You Wear This Hat

2011-11-11T17:49:00.004-05:00

And now the Turkey Hat has chosen Brenda. She works with my mom at the dentist office there in Bartow. I think our family has known Brenda since the dawn of time. She has always been there for us over the years and is a phenomenal example of a loyal friend. Plus she constantly threatens to kidnap Luke and take him home with her just so she can pinch his cheeks every single morning. Luke responds to these advances with his tried and trusted method of not making eye contact and refusing to acknowledge that Brenda exists. Love ya, Brenda!

A Luke Quickie

Today as I was pulling into my mom's driveway, Luke got very excited in the back seat and said that he saw something in the grass across the street. After we parked, he very excitedly got out of the car and starting walking toward what appeared to be a crumpled up white plastic Wal-mart bag in the overgrown grass. As he moved toward it he said very excitedly, "Mom, I think there is a chicken angel over ther- oh, wait that's just a bag." Dang! I really, really, REALLY wanted to see what a chicken angel was. Maybe next time...

And For My Father?

2011-11-10T15:54:00.004-05:00

My dad was off from work today, which gave me the perfect opportunity to go and take his picture in the Turkey Hat. And, of course, when I went to the house he was working on the patio. My dad has officially been "working on the patio" since he was a small boy. I honestly think this project has lasted as long as Luke has been alive. Fixing the leaking roof, painting, carpentry, screens- it just never ends. Ever. He swore to me today that tomorrow he is going to celebrate Veteran's Day by finishing the floor. And then he is pretty much done. I love ya, Dad, but I'll believe it when I see it...

That'll Be Four Thousand Dollars

2011-11-09T15:03:00.005-05:00

Our car Rocket was in the shop last week, so when I went to pick him up I decided to make the mechanic wear the Turkey Hat. Considering that my in-laws and I are responsible for pretty much his entire paycheck each month by our constant visits, it was the least he could do :)

I also need to give a proper shout out to Cindy, who was one of four kids in her 2nd grade class that made straight A's this grading period. That's my girl!

Do Me a Flavor and Wear This Hat, Wouldya?

2011-11-08T14:00:00.000-05:00

You know you picked a good place to live when soccer season starts in late October and Rita's Italian Ice commits to selling frozen treats at every home game :) Yep, definitely enjoying our mild "winter" so far. So I did convince the guy selling the italian ice to wear the Turkey Hat. What can I say, I am very persuasive! And speaking of Rita's, it's time for Top Ten Tuesday!

Sean, I am pretty sure you never saw any of these flavors up in Pennsylvania, did you?

TOP TEN REJECTED FLAVORS OF RITA'S ITALIAN ICE

10. Swedish Fishstick
9. Key Lyme Disease
8. Ocean Spray Clamberry
7. WD-40 Below
6. Beaña Colada
5. Rodent Medley (inspired by the Obama administration)
4. Cookies n' Squid
3. Venison Swirl
2. Oyster Fudge Ripple
1. Root Beer Goat

Sorry for making you hungry!

Wear It for The Gipper

2011-11-07T13:56:00.002-05:00

This is completely off topic (i.e. nothing to do with Turkey Hats) but I was just wondering if I am the only one who totally rocks out to loud music every. single. day. I mean, I listen to music when I run, but I am talking about cranking it up really loud in your house, singing along, shaking your groove thing and doing what you gotta do. Am I alone in this? The single most important function of my computer is not the Internet (well, maybe that's a little bit of a lie), not my pictures, not Facebook, Word, Excel, or anything else. It is the fact that it is my 12,000 song jukebox. A day does not go by that I don't turn the receiver up to volume level 21 and let the music move me. It is like an instant pick me up! Anyway, if you don't do this, you need to. I have plenty of song suggestions to get you started :)

Second thing, also off topic, if you have an iPhone or iPod touch and need a new app to try, CliffDiving is awesome. I got it for free yesterday and I am totally addicted to it today. Check it out.

And now the moment you have all been waiting for! My 13 page dissertation on string theory as an active research framework in particle physics which attempts to reconcile quantum mechanics and general relativity. This is going to be RADICAL!!!

Just kidding :) But you will never guess who is wearing the turkey hat today!

RONALD RAEGAN!

What? I told you you would never guess! This guy sits in my Dad's office at the house and I think he looks rather dashing :)

A Little Late, But Worth the Wait

2011-11-06T19:35:00.006-05:00

We just got back from cake and ice cream at my mom's house to celebrate her birthday. I know your birthday wish was that you could keep that hat on forever, but sorry, Mom, I need it for a few more weeks :)

Everybody Do the Dinosaur

2011-11-06T14:01:00.018-05:00

While we all wait for the turkey hat picture of the day, which will not be until at least 9pm (don't worry, it's totally worth it) I will now resume with some regularly scheduled blogging.

Two Saturdays ago I got to take my kids to Dinosaur World for Cindy's classmate's birthday party.

Dinosaur World is an attraction here in central Florida that features at least two gigantically huge fake dinosaurs facing the interstate that takes you to the Tampa airport. Yep, I have lived here for over 18 years of my life and that was pretty much all I had pieced together about this place up until now, so I jumped at the chance to finally go and see what Dinosaur World is actually all about. Plus, seeing as how I will never be one of those parents that spends more than a quarter for my children to have a birthday party, I make it a point to attend every event birthday party we get invited to. We have had some good times in the past two years! And it usually only costs me a Nerf football or a Zooble house. Sweet!

So what is Dinosaur World? Well, it's just a couple of acres of dense Florida woods that have some sidewalks put in and lots of huge fake dinosaurs and little plaques to tell you what they are. And a very large gift shop. And that's about it. So for an adult, it's terribly average. For a kid, it's pretty cool. Personally, I think it should be called Mosquito World. I got chewed alive at this place! Probably because I was wearing capris and my sunless tanner lotion- which I am convinced is made with some sort of mosquito crack that makes me irresistible to those blood suckers. Next time I am wearing my beekeeper's suit...

They did have a pretty good playground at this place. My kids loved it and it even made Cindy want to take pictures???

Here I am frolicking among the majestic brontasauri... Photo by Luke. Not bad!

This was "The Boneyard" where the kids could uncover a giant dinosaur fossil in the sand. A better name for this little house would be the Mosquito Golden Corral. That is why the picture is being taken from outside where I was standing to avoid being nibbled to death.

Come on, Luke, when I say jump in front of a giant Stegosaurus skeleton so I can take your picture, JUMP! Cindy got like three feet of air that time...

Skeptical Luke does not believe this sign...

It wouldn't be a real Dinosaur world without a fossil dig. Cindy found enough shark teeth to sink a battleship. Lucky for me, she only got to keep three fossils. Luke got a "fossilized plant stem", a phrase he has repeated about 1300 times since that day.

I asked Luke what he would do if a T-Rex tried to eat him. Good thing they are extinct.

Not the best photo op board I have seen, but the kids thought it was hilarious.

And finally, one more pic of Luke hamming it up for the camera :)

So there you have Dinosaur World. Loved by kids, tolerated by adults.

Ticketmaster

2011-11-05T14:55:00.002-04:00

Today features my football ticket-taking pal, Julie. She teaches with Jacob in the math department. We have sat in the little booth at the Auburndale football stadium all season for both JV and Varsity football games selling tickets and basically telling each other our life stories. We even worked together last year too. It's been fun to get to know her. She is an Air Force brat who has lived all over the world and she is a very good teacher. In my opinion she is way to nice to her students- always donating to their fundraising causes, sponsoring clubs, volunteering for things, loaning them money when they are short a dollar to get into the football games- you name it. She is a kind, generous soul. And a great person to pass the time with. And also very good at wearing hats that look like cooked turkeys.

And speaking of Auburndale, which is chock full of rednecks and more camo than Modern Warfare 3 when it gets cold outside, on the way home from taking tickets at the game last night I caught the song Camouflage by Brad Paisley on the radio. The second stanza of that song has got to be one the all-time greatest country music verses ever penned. This is the verse:

"Well, I asked Jenny to the prom
And her mom knew how to sew
So she made a matching tux
And gown from Duck Blind Mossy Oak

We took pictures in the backyard
Before we went to the dance
And the only thing that you can see
Is our faces and our hands

Camouflage, camouflage
You should've seen the way it popped with her corsage
Camouflage, camouflage
Ain't nothing doesn't go with camouflage"

I can't wait for prom this year at AHS because you just know someone is working on this right now. YEE-HAW!!

Hat for Teacher

2011-11-04T14:34:00.001-04:00

Introducing Cindy's awesome 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Small. When I asked her to wear the hat, she didn't even ask why, she just said, "Yes!!" (There is something magical about this hat- seriously, no one even questions me when I ask them to wear it. WHY?) I guess I should start asking for favors from people way more often. Anyway, Cindy LOVES Mrs. Small. And we love Mrs. Small too. She is a wonderful teacher! In fact I think Cindy's Totem Pole of Love and Admiration looks something like this:

AND P.S.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!

Turkey Ham

2011-11-03T13:46:00.005-04:00

While this picture does expertly show off Cindy's goofy side in the Turkey Hat of Destiny, it also shows off her ever-growing hair, which I have now been given permission to cut since Halloween is over. So, the question is, what do I do with it??? I have recently discovered that she officially has my hair; when she gets sweaty or it's really humid, she has ringlet curls underneath that top layer. And don't forget about the awesomest cowlick in the US she has either. So to just chop it off seems kinda haphazard. I really want to think about this for a few minutes and pick something that kinda makes sense. Just whacking it seems so boring, but at 7 years old, what can you do? Options? Suggestions? Aunt KaRyn, where are you????!!

Yes, There are Thousands and Thousands of Uses for a Turkey Hat, All of Which I am Going To Tell You About Right Now...

2011-11-02T14:50:00.006-04:00

This is Tina, who was one of the very kind chemo nurses that took care of my mom while she was doing her treatments. Tina was actually pretty entusiastic about wearing the hat, which further shows just how awesome she is :)

One of the last times I took my mom up to the cancer center, I dropped her off and then ran some errands. I found this turkey hat at Target and had to have it, but the best part was when I picked my mom back up, I went in to the cancer center wearing this hat and it brought joy into the hum-drum lives of everyone who saw it. Especially my mom, who needed a good laugh that day :)

It's Top Ten Tuesday! With a side of turkey hat...

2011-11-01T09:16:00.002-04:00

Wow, Halloween last night was awesome! I will blog about it much later in the week, but for now while I try and bring myself out of the candy-induced coma I fell into last night, allow me to make two big announcements. The first is that I have decided that from now on, and particularly when I feel like it, Tuesday's posts will feature a top ten list for your enjoyment. I am writing these lists all the time anyway, so let's just give the people what they want, right?

Secondly, if anyone remembers, a few weeks ago I did kinda promise you something very fun every day leading up until Thanksgiving. So now that I dug myself into a giant hole on that one, it's time to pay the piper. Every day until Thanksgiving, you can come to Sweeneyville to see someone (known or unknown to either you and/or me) wearing this amazing turkey hat I bought 3 weeks ago. Luke is officially taking Day 1:

#1
What a trooper! Luke actually loves this hat, it might end up in his stocking come Christmas...

Also, if you have any suggestions of persons you would like to be seen wearing the hat, I am open to hearing your thoughts :) And I am officially giving myself until 5pm EST to post the hat pic each day. Mom, be patient.

And now, back to the Top Ten List...

For today's list, I need to give you a little background. Since my little brother Brian has been at BYU, he has had a few run-ins with BYU police, specifically the parking enforcement division. And if you know Brian at all, you know that ALL of these occurrences are completely innocent and unintentional violations that had no pre-meditated motives whatsoever. This seems to be a theme with Brian. So much so that one day he vows to start a blog called "The Accidental Outlaw" and tell the world of his clueless life of crime. Anyway, after his latest phone call describing what happened to him with BYU police "this time", I decided to write this list. With a little help from my pa, of course...

TOP THIRTEEN NICKNAMES FOR BRIAN USED BY THE BYU POLICE DEPARTMENT

13. Blondie
12. Captain Careless
11. Like taking candy from a Brian
10. Ol' Once-a-Monther
9. Senor Centavo
8. The Absent Minded Transgressor
7. That kid that's dumber than Obama
6. Sir Parks a Lot
5. Easy Money
4. The Heedless Horsemen
3. Oblivious Rebel
2. Badda-Bingham
2. Fish in a Barrel
1. SpongeBri TicketPants

Have a Spooktacular Day!

2011-10-31T06:45:00.001-04:00

Since my kids already dressed up and did a big trick-or-treating/fall festival shindig up at our church this past Friday, I have to keep reminding myself that Halloween is not actually over yet and I still have to take them trick-or-treating tonight. Because if there is one thing we need around this house it is more candy! Our supply is running dangerously low, we only have maybe a 4-year supply and that ain't how we do things in Sweeneyville.

Cindy's costume was a big success this year. And even more successful were her Leia buns! I took all the advice of Internet tutorials everywhere and took two long socks, wrapped them in some nylon knee-highs and made Halloween history. Cindy was absolutely thrilled with her hair. She kept looking in the mirror and freaking out saying, "I look EXACTLY like her!! People are going to think I am the actual girl from the movie!!" It made all my sewing, re-sewing, hemming, and hood-making work worth it :) Here are a few pics from Friday night...

It's a little known fact, but Darth Vader wore his Spiderman shoes a lot for extra comfort when he was interrogating prisoners and force choking his crew.

Does Cindy work in a bakery, because her buns are incredible!

She's part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! But she has a blaster, so we can pretty much let her go...

Yes, I did even make her a hood. She owes me BIG TIME for that...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

The Results Are In!

2011-10-27T07:41:00.009-04:00

Well, it's finally time to review this year's school pictures. And I even have a bonus for you! I totally forgot about Luke's picture day this year and so I didn't even order a single photo of him, which was kind of making me feel bad. But I was secretly hoping they would send home some sort of teaser photo that would at least show me what I was missing, and more importantly, allow me to show all of you what it looked like without having to go online and buy some sort of multi-million dollar reprint package. Well, whattayaknow? They did send me a little flyer with his pictre on it :) Score!

Take it away digital camera! Because scanners are way too high-tech for Sweeneyville...

LUKE

Did I mention that I totally forgot it was picture day that day? And that my children have been triple certified in the unnatural half-grimace? Not crazy about his hair, not crazy about the smile, but I do love that this picture shows a Lego Stormtrooper on his shirt. If Jacob can have 6 years of school pictures in a shirt with the General Lee on it, then I guess Luke can have Lego Star Wars on his :)

CINDY

I would have to give this picture an overall B-. The hair looks great. Kinda wishing both sides weren't in front of her shoulders, but overall it held up pretty well. I am once again not digging the smile that doesn't show her teeth and also says, "I am really uncomfortable doing this, please hurry."

I think when you are around your kids all day and you see them laugh and smile all the time, you know what they look like and have expectations of what their pictures should look like. So when you get their pictures back and they aren't captured just as you think of them in your mind, it causes you to be a little critical. Honestly, I am pleased with both of their pictures. Luke and Cindy are beautiful kids and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that at least their pictures didn't turn out like this:

(I don't own these photos, they came from here.)

Pumpkin Carvers Guide to the Galaxy

2011-10-25T09:39:00.017-04:00

Step 1: Go to a local pumpkin patch and pick the perfect pumpkin. It took Cindy and Luke about 30 minutes to find "the one". "The one" meaning "the one Mom could afford to buy" and not "The one the kids wanted to buy so they could carve it and then move in because it is spacious enough to be a studio apartment."

Step 2: Name the Pumpkin. In honor of the girl pug on The Adventures of Milo and Otis, our pumpkin was named Sondra. It's French, you know.

Step 3: Have Cindy remove the guts and complain about her life of servitude. Luke will then makes faces of disgust and attempt to touch a spoon. Maybe.

Step 4: After several pencil and paper rough draft sketches, let Mom do the actual knife work and steer the pumpkin-carving ship on a more sensible course, avoiding the "rectangle eyes" and "seven teeth" that were originally wanted.

Step 5: Pose with your masterpiece for all the blogosphere to see and admire :)

A Cindy Quickie

2011-10-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

The other day when I was getting in the car with Cindy, she crawled in the front seat. I quickly told her to take her rightful place in the back. She said, "Hold on, I have to get something." She then proceeded to lean way back over the center armrest and arch her body in a very crazy position to reach something over her head that was under the driver's seat. After this amazing display of contortion she sat back up and with a red face she exclaimed proudly, "Man! I should be on Bending With The Stars! I am SO bendy!!!!"

And here are my kids with the miniature pumpkins they got to pick out a the pumpkin patch the other night. I never knew a teeny tiny pumpkin could make my kids so happy :)

The Siamese Slanket

2011-10-22T23:51:00.000-04:00

Because why settle for humiliating just one person at a time when humliating two simultaneously is this awesome?

All I can say to Jacob is: You, me and this slanket make three, baby! When our day of winter hits this year (projected to be on Tuesday, January 10th) we are gonna be ready. Oh Yeah!!

P.S. Is it just me or does the guy in the picture have a secret underlying look on his face that says "I'm about to possibly have a panic attack in this thing"? I'm pretty sure he is freaking out...

I Smell Refund!

2011-10-21T08:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been scammed by a business and wanted a refund? Have you made endless phone calls that get you absolutely nowhere? I am proud to say that my dad has created an absolute foolproof way of getting the results you want in these situations. It all started a few years back when, I believe, a totally dishonest credit card company ripped him off. He called, complained, asked nicely, asked not-so-nicely for his money back- all the usual tactics and it got him nowhere. Then he came up with the most ingenius tactic to get results. He just recently used this same plan of attack on the company in charge of those shifty, door-to-door, quasi-vagrant magazine salesmen. You know, those guys that just got out of prison, are trying to turn their lives around and all they need is someone like you to give them a chance and buy magazines so they can earn "points" so they don't have to live on the streets and sell crack anymore? Yes, my dad did buy magazines from them. But in his defense it was Sesame Street and it was for Luke. It has been a over a year since he forked over the check and he has been trying to get his money back ever since, because, obviously, the magazines never arrived. So here for you now is the letter my dad wrote (in all its sarcastic glory), followed by a picture of him holding the check for his refund :) A refund check that surprised my mom so much, her eyebrows fell off onto the ground. Ha! I had to make a joke about not having eyebrows at least once, Mom. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. They will be growing back in by Christmas anyway :)

September 21, 2011

UD Management Group
611 K Street NW Suite 3
Washington, D.C. 20001

I am not expecting a response from this letter. It’s for your information only.

I ordered a magazine from one of your young grifters in Lakeland, Florida, last year and, of course, the magazine never arrived.

I have called you several times and have been promised my money would be returned and, of course, it has not been.

I should have known better but my white guilt got the best of me and I gave a check to one of your apprentice con men. Oh well, live and learn I suppose.

But even though I will never get my money back, I can, perhaps, keep some other guilty white guy in Polk County Florida from contributing to your scam.

I have decided that it will be my goal over the next couple of months to hand out 500 of the enclosed cards to people I meet.

When I go to Walgreen’s, the clerk will get a card. When Domino’s delivers my pizza, the delivery guy will get a card. The staff at my dentist’s office, the people I go to church with, my neighbors and the lady in the toll booth on the Parkway will all get cards. If I get to 500 cards handed out before your lying shysters hit town again around Thanksgiving, I’ll start on another 500.

I know my little protest will not make a significant dent in the bottom line of your thieving enterprise, but it will make me feel good. And it might even save a few hundred other unsuspecting suckers from falling for your annual swindle.

Michael Bingham
Lakeland, FL 33812
Reference # 662049

Here is what is printed on a little business card that is enclosed with the letter:

This Card Is A Friendly Warning:
Do Not Buy Magazines
From Door-To-Door Salesmen

THIS IS A SCAM!

You think you are helping a young man earn points for a trip
or a scholarship by buying his overpriced magazines.

UD MANAGEMENT GROUP WILL CASH YOUR CHECK BUT YOU WILL NEVER EVER RECEIVE YOUR MAGAZINES.

Two weeks later...

¡Señor Refundo! A genius the likes of which the world has never known...

So there you have it! The foolproof formula for a successful refund is as follows: 1 cleverly saracstic letter + 1 printed business card of doom = World domination!

No, Chancho, I would never leave you!

2011-10-19T12:41:00.005-04:00

Saturday night I really wanted to watch Nacho Libre. (If you didn't know, it is one my favorite movies of all-time. Says a lot about me, huh?) I was going to put it in the laptop and just chill by myself but the kids started begging me to let them watch too. I finally decided they would need to eventually see this movie one day anyway and so they piled in my bed and we watched half of it before it was their bedtime. While the kids seemed to enjoy the movie, it was kind of a weird experience for me to watch a movie (that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to begin with) with small children and have to explain the answers to their inevitable questions. I told them everything from describing what a nun was and why they can't have boyfriends to what a nucleus is; why wrestlers wear masks, what are "sweats" and "fresh ingredients", what are orphans, what is a water gypsy and whether eagle eggs give you magical powers, how you could possibly make a go-cart out of a wheelchair and lawnmower, what throwing a beehive at someone has to do with wrestling, why we can't eat our corn on the cob on a stick, what the Spanish word "esqueleto" means and also trying to explain the nickname "Satan's Cavemen". It was kind of a weird 45 minutes. (But then again it was kind of weird having to explain the words "whore" and "harlot" to Cindy last night while reading in 1 Nephi, so it can come at you at any time, really.) I couldn't tell if the kids could even follow the movie well enough to like it, but when I went into the kitchen this morning and saw the 2012 Calendar that the kids are decorating for me, I found this at the top of May:

"Get that corn out of my face"

I think I shed a tear. A prideful, wonderful tear :)

The Weekend Update

2011-10-17T06:55:00.015-04:00

This was already on Facebook, but just to make sure I catalog this properly in the next Pulitzer Prize-winning volume of Sweeneyville: The Book...

On Friday my mom suddenly found out she was done with her chemo treatments!! She was supposed to have two more, but since some of the side effects of the latest treatment were getting a little intense, the doctor had mercy on her and is letting her skip the last two. Yippppeeeeee! Isn't my mom such a trooper? About 7 months of treatments and she barely complained and really didn't even miss that much work. Amazing! Anyway, I'm glad that part is over. Now I get my Friday afternoon buddy back! Yay! Next up is radiation treatments, but the good news is that since she got to end chemo early, she might get to start radiation early and thus be done earlier than planned. That would be awesome. Fingers crossed! (And prayers being said...)

And just a little update on that soccer tournament on Saturday... Apparently there is some unwritten rule in the universe that Cindy is required to always play on a soccer team that never gets a fair shake. Last year in Bartow, due to laziness on the part of the league, her little team was forced to play on a giant field with full-sized goals. And even more insulting, they were also forced to have me as their coach. I think I speak for everyone on that team when I say, "Please never bring that season up in conversation ever again." So this time around, playing in a different league, different venue, and with Jacob as her coach I was fully prepared for soccer vindication!! When we got to the tournament I was very encouraged to see the field was smaller and so were the goals. Unfortunately, the teams we had to play had obviously been taking steroids since they were infants, because they were each at least a foot taller than our girls. Apparently there were no U-9 teams for us to play, so we had to play up a division with the U-10 Amazon's of Bradenton. It was like David vs. Goliath. No, actually it was more like David's one-legged little sister vs. Goliath. Needless to say, as a parent, Saturday was a very long day. However, as you might expect from 8 year-olds, they stil had fun just being together :)

Pink ball, pink shoes- who could that be?

They played the game "Keep the Ball in the Air" and the record was 4.

Not listening, walking away from coach- who could that be? Busted!! Ha ha ;)

The Right to Remain Fantastic

2011-10-14T11:35:00.005-04:00

If you live here in Central Florida and don't get outside this weekend to either exercise, do yardwork, go to the park or otherwise enjoy nature and the unbelievable weather we are having, I will have to come to your house and make a citzen's arrest. Because not doing any of those things would be an absolute CRIME. You have been warned.

As for me and my house, we will be down in Bradenton watching Cindy play two soccer games with her team in the Halloween Havoc Soccer Tournament. If I didn't feel like a soccer mom yet, I will after tomorrow :)